Hollywood is Addicted to Branding

(Credit: Greg Booker/Kansas City Star/MCT)

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Making movies based on brands is not new and often makes good films, but now we’re beginning to see this trend venture into the extreme. Lately, things that have no story and no characters are being optioned to become films.

I saw in the trades recently that “Erector Set,” that toy where you use a little wrench to put together a car or a plane out of metal rods, was being optioned to be a film. This kind of stuff is not creativity; it’s desperation.

I listened to an interview a little while ago with master filmmakers/storytellers James Cameron (Avatar) and Peter Jackson (The Lord of the Rings trilogy) who both expressed that Hollywood is “on the defense,” and this trend of extreme branding seems to be evidence of it. But instead of being part of the problem, I’ve decided to be part of the solution, and provide Hollywood with some ideas of what “storyless” and “characterless” brands to option next. And I’ve even been kind enough to provide storylines that appeal to everyone. Guaranteed. Here we go:



Robot Claw: The Movie

Remember that toy? The one where you pull the little black handle, and the red pincher-claw snaps open and shut? Well, when little Stevie’s parents file for divorce because they don’t want to have sex with each other anymore, he retreats to his room in a depression and begins modifying his robot claw toy into an actual high-tech robot arm. He takes it to school for show and tell, but the school bully steals it and uses it to go on a violent rampage. Now, Stevie must build a new arm and stop the school bully, all while trying to convince his parents to start having sex again.



Slip ’N Slide: The Movie

John, who works at an orphanage for mentally disabled children, has no talent or athletic ability whatsoever. To make matters worse, he’s a douchebag and a complete loser. The only thing he’s good at is running and sliding down a Slip ’N Slide. Then one day the people who own the orphanage tell John they’re going to sell the building and put all the children on the street because they owe money to gangsters. Coincidentally, a Slip ’N Slide contest comes to town where the prize money is the exact amount that the owners of the orphanage owe to the gangsters. Imagine that? The winner is whoever looks like the biggest dumbass while slipping down the slide. Now John has to put everything on the line to pay back the gangsters and save the children.



Ex-Lax: The Movie (or Harold & Kumar Are Constipated)

After Harold and Kumar spend a whole month eating fast food, they find themselves completely unable to drop the kids off at the pool (if you catch my drift). They leave their house to find ex-lax and a hilarious three and a half hour adventure containing only fart and poop jokes and Neil Patrick Harris ensues. Ultimately, they never find the ex-lax but they do find enemas and wind up having to administer them to each other.



Nerf: The Movie

Who didn’t have Nerf guns when they were a kid? In the feature film, a worker at a Nerf factory builds one of the guns as a real one and loads it with real ammo as a practical joke. When little Tommy opens up his Nerf gun and shoots his brother in the face with it, he winds up blowing the front and back of his brother’s head clean off. Then, contrary to the marketing of the movie, it abruptly and awkwardly becomes a courtroom comedy/drama where Tommy is viciously prosecuted for the murder of his brother by a team of cold, heartless, wisecracking hotshot district attorneys, played by Robert Downey Jr. and Vince Vaughn, who insist on trying Tommy as an adult and push for the death penalty. Completely contrary to logic, real law or anything resembling reality, the film ends with Tommy being found guilty by a jury of old white men and sentenced to death by firing squad with modified Nerf guns that fire real bullets.



Paddle Ball: The Movie

This movie is just a five and a half hour long shot of a fat guy playing with a paddle ball while he stuffs his face with fast food, while the theme song from “SpongeBob SquarePants” repeats over and over again.