How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

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Hi Lucia,

I met a woman online and when we first met in person, the love bug struck me hard-core, but I kept my cool. She said she did not want to get into a long-term relationship and that she was only looking to date, hangout, etc. I thought I could deal with the parameters she set because I, too, am dating other people. She also said that she was not looking forward to more dates from men she meets online because they were not cute or interesting. I just listened and did not say much because I did not want to turn into her therapist.

I noticed she recently updated her online profile. My game plan is to have all the other guys pestering her for dates, texting her incessantly, calling nonstop, trying to get her to commit to a relationship to fall by the wayside. The only time I call her is to make a date. I do not chase her via phone call or texting. If she does not hear from me for a couple of days, she will reach out.

On every date, I compliment her on how gorgeous she looks, her shoes or accessories. What I have noticed is she does not ask too much about me. 

Another thing that really bothers me is that we have yet to kiss. There have been moments where we should have, but I missed the opportunity. I am used to women throwing themselves at me, and I usually don’t have to work too hard for attention. However, with her I just have a hunch any physical connection will not be reciprocated. I think I am in the friend zone. What should I do? -George

Hi George,

Yes, it does sound as if you’re in the friend zone. When a woman is interested, she doesn’t usually announce that’s she just looking to keep things casual. Also, if she’s getting burned out with online dating, why did she update her profile? If anything, she would have deactivated it. Finally, the fact she doesn’t ask you about yourself is another sign of disinterest; otherwise, she’d want to know all about you.

I think she may have sensed on the first date that you were already as you said, “struck by the love-bug.” You may think you kept your cool, but all it takes is one look and most women can tell that you’re sprung!

Is it possible to get out of the friend zone? Yes, but you have to be smart about it. First of all, since she has no problem talking to you about the other guys she’s dating, you should also talk about the women you’re dating and exaggerate if you have to – how they are throwing themselves at you, how they’re all so beautiful, that you don’t know if you should choose one now or wait, etc.

Secondly, stop kissing her butt by constantly telling her how beautiful she looks, etc. A word of warning to all guys: Rarely if ever compliment a woman’s shoes. Most men don’t notice them and if they do, it’s usually because they’re gay. You don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

Instead, engage in playful flirting. If she’s wearing a sexy dress, say something like, “Wow.  You look so sexy. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to behave myself!”

Finally, you need to go in for that kiss.  Stop being a wimp and just go for it. Women want a take-charge kind of guy, and if you don’t start stepping up and being that guy, you will remain in the dreaded friend zone.

Write to Lucia at theartoflove.net. Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at lessonsoflove.net. Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on latalkradio.com. Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.