The good news is that both you and your therapist are right. No, he was never there to begin with. Yes, you pushed him away. Unfortunately, you pushed him away about four months too late.
You broke two of my 10 commandments of sex (available in my upcoming book: Dating 101 ) in your first paragraph: “Do not have sex with someone until you've been to their home” and “Do not have sex too soon.”
I believe the reason you behaved as you did is because you don't have enough self-respect. We are not and cannot be attracted to people we don't respect. If you don't let men know that you respect yourself, then don't expect them to respect you. No respect = No attraction.
I don't know at what point you found out you were not welcome at his home, but that should have been the point at which you walked away. If someone you're dating will not have you over to their home, 99 percent of the time, that's a big, red flag.
How many people live with their assistants? My question is: What exactly is she assisting him with ? I'm willing to bet it's more than personal errands.
However, since you probably jumped into bed with him before finding all this out, you were unable to walk away because by then the bonding hormone oxytocin had kicked in.
In Helen Fisher's book Why We Love , she says that “oxytocin is also involved in the feelings of adult male-female attachment … at orgasm … levels of oxytocin rise in women … undoubtedly contribute to that sense of fusion, closeness and attachment.”
This is one of the reasons why I am against having sex with someone until you know whom you're dealing with and what their story is. We are helpless against hormones (although I'd love to find an antidote to oxytocin to be given to women that are in unhealthy situations such as yours).
This explains all of your erratic behavior – putting up with not going to his home, “flipping out” in Mexico, constantly getting upset, calling to say you missed him when he blew you off, etc. However, I can't blame hormones for your very silly decision to not use condoms. That again has to do with your lack of self-respect.
To every action there is a reaction. He took his cue on how to treat you by how you conducted yourself. When he saw that you were willing to jump into bed with him after only a few coffee dates and were willing to put up with not being able to go to his home, he knew he didn't have to put much effort into being with you.
You took away the thrill of the chase by handing yourself over to him on a silver platter, without asking for much in return. This in turn explains his behavior – disappearing for weeks, not calling when he said he would, leaving Mexico abruptly, etc.
He knew he could treat you any way he damn well pleased and you would put up with it, because you had shown so little self-respect.
Now that I've finished verbally “beating you up,” let me say that you did the right thing by deciding it was over when he didn't return your call for the umpteenth time and by not speaking to him the last time you saw him at the coffee shop.
You finally showed some self-respect. Bravo!
I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to contact you again, but there is no future here. So, walk away with your head held high.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net .
Watch Lucia's show, “The Art of Love,” on West Hollywood Public Access (channel 36) on Thursday, Nov. 30 at 10 p.m.
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