1. Lay Low. Don’t say anything about her or be controversial in any area. She will contort it into you being attracted to her best friend since the second grade or the fact you think her dad’s a tacky turtleneck-wearing moron.

2. Whatever she says in her fit of irritation and rage, 99 percent of the time she doesn’t remotely mean it. (Shit just flies out of our mouths, shit we want to destroy you with...)

3. Don’t try to make out with her. She will go for it the night before her period. Before that anything you do will make her snap yo dick off.

4. Bring sweets to her, apparently uteruses love ice cream.

5. Tell her you are so happy to be with her if she asks you what you are thinking. Other than that keep your lips shut.

6. Offer to massage her ovaries and get her Midol if she asks for it. Anytime you can spend running to the store is less time with her crazy ass.

7. Get DVDs of sad stories of homeless mothers and crack-addicted street hustlers. The more she cries over stuff that doesn’t involve you, the better.

8. If she starts crying, hold her. If you don’t naturally do this, break up with her and start dating a man.

9. Mark that shit on your calendar! You need to be prepared for war or an earthquake with a kit.

10. Work late.

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