You have to love Los Angeles for all of its choices of trendy new places to go, things to do, food to eat and people to share all of these things with. Damned if you’re going to miss out on that trendy hot spot  – or better yet – undiscovered hidden gem of a place until the hipsters start pretending like they invented it.

You can’t wait to check it out, and unfortunately sometimes you’re up for going with anyone who’s down, although since this is Los Angeles be careful of whom you’re “doing” lunch or dinner with!

“Let’s do here, this is where (insert celebrity name here) was spotted.”

“Let’s do here – wait – they don’t have a vegan menu, and I’m on a vegan and/or gluten free diet since I heard that (insert celebrity name here) is on one too.”

“Let’s do here … OMG, that person is wearing the same shirt as I am. We have to leave.”

“Let’s do here, there’s a long line to get in, so you know it must be awesome and (insert celebrity name here) may be here.”

“Let’s do here, they don’t have a line to get in … wait, there’s no line – it must be lame.”

“There’s no hot sauce here. I know it’s a yogurt place but really? Hot sauce is the new catsup, and catsup was the new vegetable like, last year.”

“What? This yogurt isn’t vegan? Neither is my oversized purse, my trendy sandals or my ridiculous hat that I saw (insert celebrity name here) wearing?”

“I’m tired and starving from going to all the new trendy places all day, let’s do the late-night diner … wait, I can’t eat this late at night. I’ll get so fat.”

“That server looks like this bitch I used to hate in high school/college in (insert small town here).”

It’s probably not her, but maybe it is – anything is possible in Los Angeles – that server girl might have been a drama major in high school/college and decided to move here to pursue her dream – better than me pursuing this drama queen who has turned into a (big-city) nightmare here sitting across the table from me.

“This vegan meat tastes just like real meat. Are you sure this isn’t real meat, because I don’t want real meat. I’m going to call that bitch waitress.”

I’m pretty sure the vegan meat is fake meat; it just looks real, like this fake smile I’ve been wearing for hours while wondering at what precise moment during this long date I turned into (insert celebrity name here) with my fake smile.

I should have stood up for myself a few restaurants ago and said “This is where we’re eating!”

Better yet, I should’ve stood up a long time ago … and left.

At best, I should’ve stood this girl up

I should’ve been choosier with my selection. Not as choosy as say, a trying-to-be-trendy hipster analyzing a menu (After all, the key word in analyze is anal.), I should just be choosier in general, because as new restaurant openings often indicate, just because something or someone is new, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re good or worth your time or money spent.

Life is like taste testing food though. When you take too long to make a choice about where to go or whom to go with, you realize it’s always better when it’s hot, and if you don’t do make a choice about it soon, it gets cold, and no one wants to eat at that table.

Not to complain, though, because this is one of the many reasons we’re all here in Los Angeles: to try new things, go to new places and to become vegans if our dates or at least our menus tell us we should try it.

Alas, the above are just a few of the popular phrases I’ve heard on L.A. dates.

“Let’s go here” is substituted with let’s do here” apparently, because just going someplace would be easy. Doing involves more time, patience, driving and headphones if you’re lucky enough to have some to wear to avoid hearing the whining about this, that and (insert celebrity name here).

Regardless, it’s still damned if you’re going to miss out, although you might be damned if you don’t and damned if you do. If you’re unsure, “do” this: Shorten that date and shorten the phrase to: damn.