Hi Lucia,

I can agree with your statement “The foundation of a healthy relationship is friendship.” But for a man, waiting three months for intimacy to happen is a problem for several reasons.

First of all, women NEVER offer to pay for dates, so if you do (and I doubt it) you are a very rare breed. They expect the dates to be paid for by the man, and suggesting a Dutch treat is the kiss of death. Therefore, the man will be paying for dates for three months and getting friendship in return so that doesn’t work for us.

When we date women we are looking for passion and sex, we hang with our male buddies for friendship. No guy wants to be in the dreaded “friend zone.” By planning when intimacy occurs you don’t allow things to progress naturally. I want to date someone passionate and looking forward to sex, not looking for ways to avoid it, or trying to test me. I don’t remember any time in my life breaking up with someone because we slept together too soon.

We are a nation of instant gratification, and the days of women believing the man won’t respect them if they have sex too soon (whatever that is) is an outdated concept. It appears to me that the majority of the chick flicks you gals enjoy portray the couple having wild sex almost immediately after meeting and then falling in love later on.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta and Dr. Oz both advocate a healthy sex life with intimacy three to four times a week, so if I have to wait three months after first meeting someone to enjoy sex I am definitely not happy or healthy.


Hi Rick,

I understand where you are coming from, however, let me give you the woman’s perspective.

Unless a woman is looking for a sexual fling, she will want to have a relationship with someone she finds attractive enough to have sex with. Even if at first she thinks she won’t or isn’t sure, the oxytocin soon kicks in and everything changes. This is why it’s not a good idea for a woman to sleep with a man before she knows who he really is and what his intentions are. It’s not emotionally healthy to become attached to someone who turns out to be married, a player or have major baggage. A lot of guys can talk a good game, but actions speak louder than words.

It takes about three months for people to really start showing who they are. Until then, most people try to be on their best behavior. Even though I suggest women wait for actual sex, that doesn’t mean you’re in the friend zone. There can still be kissing, touching, etc. If a man is truly interested in a woman as more than a sex partner, he will have no problem waiting and paying for dates.

I wish it were true that the double standard about respecting a woman in the morning had changed, but very few men can get past the thought that if she was willing to sleep with him within the first few dates, she probably does it with everyone. Men become territorial and possessive when they are interested in a commitment with a woman, so they find it hard to trust a woman who doesn’t respect herself enough to wait and see what the man is all about.

Write to Lucia at theartoflove.net. Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at lessonsoflove.net. Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on latalkradio.com. Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.