So there I was, a finalist for ESPN "Dream Job" during its first season, hung over as all hell boarding a six a.m. flight from New York to Los Angeles. I managed to score a first class upgrade due to the fact that American Airlines had conveniently "lost" 6500 of my miles in a recent computer meltdown. I was flying high, a local celebrity in every New York City sports bar I entered, a recognizable TV personality and a man who truly believed I had a legitimate shot to pick up Lindsay Lohan, who was seated across the aisle, dressed to the fours in pajama bottoms and a hospital scrub T-shirt.
"Hey," I said, leaning over the aisle with a cold glass of champagne
and orange juice. "I’m Zachariah Selwyn, I’m on ESPN ‘Dream
Job’ right now."
"Uhm, I really don’t wanna sign any autographs right now, Ok? I’m
gonna take my pills and fall asleep," she said.
Hmm. No mile high club happening here. Lindsay Lohan had no idea who the hell
I was and she pushed me aside like a stalker, unimpressed by the fact that I could
deliver a Lebron James highlight with no stat-sheet while watching a video playback
that I had never seen before. Not impressed. Neither was the cute blonde sitting
two rows forward. Neither was the stewardess, who threatened to cut me off following
my ninth mimosa. It was then that I realized one major thing about this sports
show I was currently on … hot chicks don’t watch ESPN!
Everywhere I went for at least five months following the show, I was stopped by
men who wanted pictures taken with me, autographs and advice on how their sons
could break into sports broadcasting. Fat men. Hairy, bald, overweight men who
resembled the dad from "Eight is Enough." Burly men. These people were
Long ago I told myself I would get into the entertainment business to pick up
beautiful women. In my mind by now I was supposed to be in some orgiastic naked
slumber party with Scarlett Johannsen, Gisele Bundchen and a mountain of Colombian
powder. Instead, I was turning down threesomes with guys who resembled Terry Bradshaw
and Ed O’Neill.
So Campus Circle asked me to write a little something about what my life has been
like since the show aired. I guess because one of our writers is on "Beauty
and the Geek 2" right now. Hmm. Well, I’ve got a country/hip-hop band,
I’ve done some television pilots and hosted "Extreme Dodgeball"
and I have a new show for ESPN in the works and … you know what? Who cares!
The bottom line is, I used to DJ and Emcee Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and weddings throughout
the southern California basin. Seven years. I don’t do that anymore. That
is all that matters to me!
So recently, a young girl around 20, approached me at Pinz bowling alley in Studio
"Zach Selwyn?" she asked.
I looked at her. Supple, beautiful, young and flirtatious. I thought to myself,
has it finally come to this? Did a young hottie who probably studies journalism
at USC recognize me from ESPN and want to use me as a way to get closer to Chris
Berman? Was I finally going to live out my beautiful girl fantasies in the bathroom
of this overpriced bowling alley where Justin Timberlake has his own ball in a
glass case near the door?
"Hi," I said to her. "Did you used to watch ‘Dream Job’?"
She looked confused.
"No," she replied. "My name is Rachel Grossman, you Emceed my Bat
Mitzvah six years ago …"
Oh my. Wow, here was little Rachel Grossman, all grown up. Her braces were off.
Her acne had cleared up. I felt like Bruce Willis in Sin City when he sees Jessica
Alba dancing at the bar following his release from prison.
"Well, hey," I said, feeling older, sleazier, perhaps more adventurous.
"Why don’t you be on my team? We’ll mop the floor with these people
I’m playing against!"
"Uhhm, actually, I just wanted to say hi and that my dad thinks you were
great on some ESPN show. He’s over there if you wanna wave to him."
I looked down the lanes and saw Mr. Grossman. He smiled, arched his hand in the
sky and waved in a furious manner. He was just like the rest of them. Bald. Overweight.
Burly. My fan. I waved to him and barely made out an inaudible greeting he yelled
across the bowling alley.
"We still have you on tape Emceeing Rachel’s Bat Mitzvah! We’re
gonna sell it to ‘Access Hollywood’!"
I pounded my vodka tonic. I rolled a meager 103 and left the bowling alley, vowing
to return to TV in a fashion more visually stimulating to the hot women of the
Hey, get me that writer on the phone ... Maybe "Beauty and the Geek"
is still looking for people.
Zach Selwyn can currently be seen on "Extreme Dodgeball" on GSN. Zach’s
band, Zachariah & the Lobos Riders, recently released the soundtrack to the
film Dead and Breakfast. The band will play Jan. 28 at the Hotel Café,
Film: Special Features [ESPN's 'Dream Job']
I Survived ESPN's 'Dream Job': Back From Reality
By Zach Selwyn
Article posted on 1/23/2006
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