Kevin Hart is about to have a really, really good year.
The fast-talking 5-foot-4 comedy star of such hits as "Ride Along" and "Think Like a Man" has arguably his highest-profile movie role to date in "Get Hard" (in theaters Friday), as a suspected ex-convict who prepares a businessman, played by Will Ferrell, for a 10-year prison sentence for tax evasion.
On April 9, the 35-year-old Hart will head out on a nearly 70-date arena tour, including a stadium show Aug. 30 at Lincoln Financial Field in his native Philadelphia. With 600,000 tickets already sold and more than $35 million in revenue to date, it's projected to be the highest-grossing comedy tour of all time, according to Billboard.
But before the tour officially begins, Hart will warm up in Milwaukee, with six shows at the 2,500-seat Riverside Theater. Not surprisingly, the six shows, amounting to 15,000 tickets, were sold out an hour after going on sale. Originally priced at $50, tickets are being resold through StubHub, priced from $120 all the way up to $500 for a single ticket.
Before Hart kicks off his special Milwaukee residency Thursday, we look back at the 13 funniest jokes — jokes that are OK to print — from his hit stand-up films "Laugh at My Pain" (2011) and "Let Me Explain" (2013).
From 'Let Me Explain':
1. "Everybody assumes because you went through a divorce you went through a (expletive) up period of life, you're enemies, you hate each other. It's not true....She's happy. She's moved on. I'm happy. I've moved on. I'm happier than she is, though."
2. "There's nothing worse than telling a dumb-ass lie and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie....I'm in my car, I'm driving. My boy calls me, I pick up. 'Yo, Kevin, what up?' Instantly I lie. 'Dude, I can't be on the phone like that. I'm out of the country. I'm trying not to have a high-ass phone bill.' He said, '(Expletive), ain't that you at the stop light right there in front of me?' I'm so oblivious in lying I waved. 'What's up man?'"
3. "I'm in New York. I'm at the airport. I'm in baggage claim. This girl sees me, she goes off....'Can you do me a favor? Can you wait here for like, 30 minutes? My mom is about to land. She'd love to get a picture with you.' I'm like, '(Expletive) yeah, I'll wait. Go get her' As soon as she left, I took off. (Expletive), I'm not waiting here for some 30 minutes, waiting for your (expletive) mom."
4. "I'm a (expletive) liar. If I'm late, something drastic happened. 'Yo, dude, sorry I'm late. I was on the highway, and this (expletive) baby started running on the highway. Yeah, I know right, (expletive)'s crazy. So I got out of the car and started chasing the baby.'"
5. "Lying ruined my (expletive) marriage. That's a lie. I cheated."
6. "Reality doesn't hit you about how bad the single life is until you call your friends to go out, and on that night, none of your friends are available, because they're out with their women. 'Yo, what up boy? Whatcha trying to do tonight?' 'Oh, man, I ain't doing nothing. It's cupcake Tuesdays. Me and my lady, we make cupcakes. Red velvet. I get to lick the bowl and everything.' 'Lick the bowl? Man, get the (expletive) off my phone.' 'Hey, don't be mad at me 'cause you ain't got no bowl to lick.'"
7. "You know what, I need to get my lady back. This is what I do. 'Babe, I got an idea to get the spark back in our relationship. We should both take ecstasy one time....It's going to make us talk, we're going to have sex, it's going to be the best.' She said fine. She takes the pill. Her pill gives her all the right reactions. I take the pill. My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer....We were talking, she was like, 'Babe, I just want to be happy. I just want the disrespect to stop.' 'Let me tell you something, you're worried about disrespect? What you need to worry about is how I'm going to deliver this kilo of cocaine to (expletive) Pablo....Where do you think I get all this money from? Jokes?...You think I'm out here making funny money? (Expletive), I'm in the game, I'm out here in the (expletive) streets.'"
8. "The scariest (expletive) in the world to me are bum hands....I'm willing to bet you all any amount of money right now, if you all walk out after this show, and a bum come up to you, and flick your lip, that you kill yourself tonight."
From 'Laugh at My Pain'
9. "I don't hang with celebrities no more....Mekhi (Phifer) calls me and says, 'Yo, Kev, my son's birthday party is Saturday, your daughter's the same age, I want you to come to the party.' I said, 'Where's the party at?' He said, 'Disneyland.' I get to Disneyland, him and his son are out front, I don't see nobody else out at the park....He said, 'I bought the park out for like, eight hours. We've got it to ourselves....' I said, 'OK, real quick, before I go in, did you pay for this already or are you looking for help? Because, I'm not in a position where I can help you out, because, the way my bank account's set up, I've got the checking in the savings, but all my money's in the savings, and I don't think my card's going to go through, unless you got jeans on, 'cause you've got to wipe it off.'"
10. "There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter....But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on....When I saw her she was crying....I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'"
11. "I threw my daughter a party at my house in the backyard....I had SpongeBob there....I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off and was smoking cigarettes in front of the kids....I was going off....He said, 'I just got out of jail for aggravated assault.' As soon as I heard jail, this is what I said: 'No, you're not listening. I'm not saying that you can't smoke. You can smoke. I'm saying just don't blow it in their face. Just give them a chance to not have cancer....(Expletive), I'll smoke with you. Give me one.'"
12. "It's my mom's funeral. I'm on the right side, I've got the casket....I'm crying, I'm a mess....My dad see me crying, my dad stood up, punched me in the back of the head. 'Man up. She gone.' I forgot where I was, I threw the casket."
13. "Here's the thing with talking dirty. I can say dirty (expletive), I just don't like it when you say stuff back, 'cause when you say stuff back, then I've got to say something back to what you said. It's too much. Shut up....'Yeah, you like this (expletive), don't you?' 'Oh, what do I like about it?' 'I don't know. I didn't expect you to say what you said when you said it. I thought you were going to let me keep going 'cause I got some other stuff I wanted to say.'"
©2015 the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Visit the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel at jsonline.com
Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC