The film Conversations With God is based on the best-selling, semi-autobiographical book series. Author Neale Donald Walsch claims God – the Big Guy himself – has spoken directly to him.

So you can imagine my surprise when, a few minutes into screening this film, God spoke to me too. He told me he'd be joining me for the evening.

God: Sorry I'm late. I was busy lining up the next celebrity-African orphan adoption. What did I miss?

Me: Aha! So you're behind all that. I didn't think Madonna was your cup of tea.

God: It's a namesake thing.

Me: The opening sequence is a dreamy montage of inspirational scenery and mellow, John Tesh-style music. I think it's an effort to lure the viewers into glassy-eyed submission.

God: Ah, yes, Yanni would be too rockin'.

Me: Agreed. The action switches to the current day, and Walsch's motivational speeches. Um, he mentions you a lot.

God: I know, I know. Can't shut him up for a minute.

Me: The best part of the film, if there is one, is Henry Czerny's performance as Walsch's quasi-fictional counterpart.

God: Ooh! Ooh! I loved him in Clear and Present Danger . So underrated.

Me: And here is the troubled path of homelessness and joblessness Walsch suffers before becoming a multimillionaire speaker and writer. I have to ask, God, the key quote that he's attributing to you in this scene is, “You've got me all wrong.” Is that really your biggest message to the world?

God: Neale, bless him, He got a little confused. As you can see in the film, he was brushing his teeth when I told him that. I actually said, “You've got it all wrong.” What I meant was, he should have flossed first. He took it to have broader implications. Who am I to correct him?

Me: I'm a little embarrassed to say this, God, since you're featured prominently ... I don't really recommend this film.

God: (Sigh) Just between you and me, if I were in line at the multiplex I'd buy a ticket for Scorsese's The Departed myself. I hear Jack Nicholson is beyond devilish.

Me: You're on; let's hit a matinee.

Grade: C-