The idea for this book came to us in the most spiritual of ways. Like a beacon of light, 50 Cent emerged from a giant pimp cup (Da Holy Grail) at the 2004 MTV Music Awards, and through that image, this book came to be.
While sitting on a very comfy couch at our weekend home and watching 50 (pronounce Fitty) spread a message of hope and positivity, via thoughtful lyrics such as “We don't give a fuck it's not your birthday,” we realized that there were many, many lame white girls (like we were, at the time) who needed guidance when it came to the subject of all things “crunk.”
We immersed ourselves in hip-hop culture by buying a totally cute Rocawear tracksuit (I wore the top, my co-author wore the pants) and watching lots and lots of videos on B.E.T's hit show “106 & Park.” After two weeks, we knew we were ready to spread the gospel of a Hennessy-soaked, hip-hop dream.
People from all over the country were very responsive to our literary gem. One young man even took the time to write us an e-mail that read “Kill Yo' Self!” That's when we knew our message had been heard.
Through word of “mouf,” we made the rounds to various, well-established hip-hop radio stations, the most significant being G-Unit radio on Sirius Satellite. We knew we had arrived.
The bullet proof offices located next to the post office and Subway were far more beautiful than we ever imagined. The smell of glamour permeated the air, and we found that glamour smells a lot like pot and Red Bull.
As we walked into the studio, our eyes seemed to deceive us: Formerly incarcerated G-Unit member Tony Yayo was there in the flesh. Like his counterpart, Fitty, Mr. Yayo offered us sage advice about life, love and selling books.
Apparently, selling books is a lot like selling crack. At least that's what Tony said. You have to believe you have the best crack/book on the market and sell it as such. It makes total sense.
So, like a crack dealer, only one that is mildly less violent and totally into MTV's “The Hills,” here is a taste of our grade A crack:
Chapter 6. Mad Ice & Crazy Skinz: Clothing And Accessories
Romance is an important part of the gangsta lifestyle, but without the proper clothing and accessories, any romantic relationship is simply an impossibility. The following chapter will help you perfect your new hip-hop style.
BEDAZZLING YO' LIFE
Though it may seem shocking and sad, there are may people in the world who are not familiar with what many consider to be one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century: The BeDazzler, a standard rhinestone-setting machine on sale for only $14.95 at your local craft store.
With the BeDazzler, gold stud appliqué decoration is now as easy as reloading your gun! In fact, throughout this section, imagine the BeDazzler as a gat, but instead of shooting bullets and causing mayhem, it shoots bling and causes crunkness.
Super Fun Bedazzling Projex
1. On Your Clothes: Lil' Kim, Trina and Gangsta Boo, the most subtle and elegant ladies in hip-hop, have proven that there is no such thing as putting too many rhinestones on your clothes. Every inch of fabric on your body should be gem-encrusted.
2. On Your Body: Heading out for a night on the town and can't find a shirt to wear? Just BeDazzle your torso!
Hott Tip! If you find yourself walking alongside of the highway late at night, heavily BeDazzled clothing can also serve as a safety device!
JEWELZ: DON'T MEAN A THING IF IT AIN'T GOT DAT BLING
In the hip-hop world, to be bling-less is to be hopeless ... Remember, when it comes to crunk jewelry, it's not quality, it's quantity and density.
Do-It-Yourself Ice
Diamonds: Front Like Yo Canary Is Real. Nothing says hip-hop quite like canary diamonds, but real ones can be awfully costly. Here are some tips on turning your wack CZ (cubic zirconia) into a crunk canary.
1. Use a yellow highlighter to color your CZ. *
* Because highlighter ink is not permanent, the color may rub off. To prevent embarrassment, carry around at least one highlighter at all times for retouching.
2. Soak in pineapple- or lemonade-flavored Kool-Aid overnight.
Gold
If you're like us, the Tiffany jewelry case you got for your sweet sixteen is probably filled with silver Elsa Peretti hearts, pearl earrings, fimo-bead bracelets and a variety of hemp necklaces. Instead of viewing these items as evidence of your whiteness, you can transform them into proof of your crunkness in just four easy steps.
1. Take all your jewelry out of its case and place it on a cookie sheet.
2. Spray paint everything gold.
3. Let it dry.
4. Put it on.
FURZ
We can all agree that hurting animals for their fur is bad, but fake fur simply will not fly in hip-hop circles. For a quick ad painless fur garment, just tranquilize your grandmother's Himalayan and wear it around your neck for the night. No one will know he difference!
As always, Free Yayo!
From Hold My Gold by Amanda McCall and Albertina Rizzo. Copyright @ 2005 by Amanda McCall and Albertina Rizzo. Reprinted by permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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