- Campus Circle

Dear Lucia,

I met “T” two months ago, and it was special from day one. It seemed perfect, and sex has been phenomenal from the first.

Then we ran into her recent ex. He had dumped her three months prior.

Immediately after that, he began calling constantly and saying all the “right things.” Now she thinks she has feelings for him and me as well and is so confused.

I know she was falling in love with me just two weeks ago and will one day realize the potential she may have given up. At first, I received the crying and the “I miss you” calls but not anymore.

I sent her messages of support (“I’m sorry for what you’re going through.” “Anything you need, you know I’d be there for you.”). The messages got responses but the potentially false hope it creates in me is driving me crazy.

I think it’s her turn to contact me but the passive waiting and wondering “if” is also driving me crazy. What is the best course of action? Sure does hurt! —Joseph

Dear Joseph,

It’s going to be hard to hear this, but the truth will set you free. She is not confused.

She knows whom she wants and that is the person she is currently with. If she was confused, she would be seeing both of you.

You do not know for a fact that she was falling in love when the ex came back into the picture. If she was, she would be with you, not him.

She remained in contact with you and continues to give you hope in case it doesn’t work out with the ex. She’s playing you, and you’re buying into her game.

It’s time to move on and find someone that is emotionally available. If she decides to come back and the ex is out of the picture, you can date her if you’re still interested at that point.

However, continue to see other women until you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are both on the same page.

Hi Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for the past eight months. He was separated and in the process of a divorce.

Several weeks ago I decided to share with him that my feelings had started to change in regards to wanting to spend more time with him. To my surprise he agreed with what I had to say.

So needless to say I haven’t spent anytime with him since that conversation. Last week I sent him a goodbye e-mail (I know, cowardly of me), but I couldn’t stand feeling like I was lied to.

We have shared some very intimate and open times together. I know that I do not want what he has been giving to me, and he had the opportunity to say at that time he couldn’t give me what I wanted, but he chose not to say that. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in an extremely long time.

My dilemma is: do I call him and tell him I miss him and ask the question why he hasn’t lived up to what he said. Or should I just cut my losses and move on? —Confused in VA

Dear Confused,

Again we have the issue of asking a man for more time. Will all you women please just stop it! As you can see, asking for more time is not the way to get more time.

I do not suggest dating men that are separated or recently divorced. They are generally not emotionally ready for another relationship.

You did the right thing by ending it when he did not keep his word. If he felt the same way you did, he would have been happy to see you more often.

Don’t mess it up by calling to find out why he didn’t live up to his word and, ugh, to tell him you miss him. He didn’t call because he didn’t want to, and he doesn’t care that you miss him.

Not only should you cut your losses, but you need to keep in mind the lessons that you learned from this experience and make sure not to repeat them in the future.