Valentine’s Day has always been my least favorite holiday. If I had a girlfriend, I was stuck pretending to actually appreciate and like her, all the while showering her with gifts and chocolates and – worst of all – my affection.

If I was alone, I was left feeling like an outcast, drinking PBR on my sofa while watching reruns of “Scrubs.” Well, that wasn’t all that bad … it was cheap, and I do like “Scrubs.”

Regardless, here are three quality Valentine’s Day options (depending on just how lucky you are, and which girl I am able to finagle into actually going out with me on the day of Cupid).

VERY LUCKY (STEPHANY ACTUALLY GOES OUT WITH ME)

Anywhere nice. Really. I’d take this girl anywhere.

Drago (2628 Wilshire Blvd.), in Santa Monica springs to mind. It’s fancy, expensive, and has been featured on “Entourage.”

Lala’s (7229 Melrose Ave.) is also great, and if Stephany would actually go out with me, the glorious pitchers of Sangria would help her enjoy my company that much more (and maybe even allow my company to stay with her overnight).

Stephany is beautiful, entertaining and actually pretty damn challenging. I can’t even tell if she likes me, but if she does we will go to any restaurant she wants.

LUCKY (NIKI GOES OUT WITH ME)

Niki’s a local girl, so I’d probably be best served staying somewhere on the West Side. Enterprise Fish Company (174 Kinney St.) might be the best location, with their great seafood and extensive bar menu (the fact that Enterprise is merely a quick drunken stumble to my apartment is just a coincidence).

Nikki’s (72 Market St.) in Venice Beach is also great. Their roast beef sliders are remarkable and beachfront drinking is always awesome.

Plus, it would be really cool to take a girl named Niki to a bar named Nikki’s on Valentine’s Day. I could pretend that I’d planned it out the whole time and feel like a … um … pimp.

Niki would be quite a catch, but she is remarkably non-committal … and busy as hell. If she does make the time to go out with me, a destination close to where we live such as Enterprise or Nikki’s would be ideal, although a jaunt across town would keep her committed to me for at least a longer period of time.

EH (LISA GOES OUT WITH ME)

Café 50’s (11623 Santa Monica Blvd.) … definitely Café 50’s. This retro restaurant harkens back to a more innocent time, when the food was cheap, the music was outstanding and even naughty dates only ended with a kiss. At Café 50’s, the burgers and shakes are unbeatable, the jukebox couldn’t have better choices and in the ’50s spirit she really won’t expect too much out of our date.

I’ve gone out with Lisa off and on for a month or two now. It really hasn’t gone anywhere exciting, but she’s a cool girl and she’d be a pretty sweet Valentine. Speaking of sweet things, the Chocolate Chip Cookie shake at Café 50’s is one of the greatest things ever invented.

BLACK CATS, VOODOO DOLLS & BROKEN MIRRORS (I GO OUT WITH CAPTAIN MORGAN)

If I do strike out on Valentine’s Day, there really are only two options: drink my sorrows away at JP’s or on my couch. JP’s Sports Bar and Grill (1101 Wilshire Blvd., Santa Monica) is the best dive bar on the West Side.

Drinks are cheap, patrons are friendly and I bartend there on Saturdays and Sundays. My couch is awesome because we have TiVo, and one of my roommates (Alex) will most likely be drinking with me.

Of course, if we both strike out, as we probably will, we’ll probably go to JP’s, watch the new Ryan Reynolds movie at Third Street Promenade and then continue drinking on our sofa. I’m sure Captain Morgan and St. Pauli Girl will most likely be joining us.