I counted something like five homophobic cracks in the first five minutes of The Heartbreak Kid. Of course, that was only the beginning of a movie that seemed to take a weird pride in being an offensive free for all.

A pointless remake, The Heartbreak Kid tells the story of an aging bachelor (Ben “Are-We-Sick-of-Him-Yet” Stiller) who finally finds the perfect woman (Perky! Blonde! Looks like a model!), only to find out on their honeymoon that she is annoying (because she sings along to the radio).

Poor Ben! He promptly falls for the next girl he meets (Perky! Brunette! Girl next door!), and dumps his new wife like a hot potato.

In all fairness, this version is a remake of Neil Simon’s The Heartbreak Kid from 1972, and I didn’t like the original much either. The trajectory of the poor, put-upon male who must contend with an insufferable, whiny, hysterical female strikes me as hostile and outdated. Can’t we finally lay the whole “ball and chain” thing to rest?

Some, or all, of this would be forgivable if the movie was in the least bit funny. Maybe if both spouses ended up hating each other on their honeymoon?

Of course, everyone’s entitled to his or her opinion. The editor-in-chief of this very paper regards The Heartbreak Kid as “hilarious.”

Grade: F

The Heartbreak Kid is currently available.