Earth has been lost, or left behind or ... well we’re not there, that’s what’s important. We’re living on a ship that looks like something your cheapskate uncle bought at the 99 cent store.

An ambitious Steven Seagal wannabe, Kalgan, has decided it’s time to land the ship and live on solid ground the way humans are supposed to, but those silly duty-bound buffoons on the main deck have other plans. Cue hilarity.

It arrives in the form of Dave Ryder. He crashes a ship, hooks up with a redhead number, the two make sweet love, Ryder contemplates the universe ... poorly, and then Tarzan and Jane take to the warpath.

We’re talking low speed chases on golf carts that resemble Voltron’s feet, slow-mo fisticuffs, a flambéed goon and more lasers than Blue Oyster Cult circa ’75. It’s so las-tastic, a new level in hand-held laser weaponry was spawned, the Lazooka. Think of the Batzooka, but lasers man!

Did we just blow your mind? If not, then watching the navigation officer get iced by the pseudo-Seagal and then appear in the next TWO scenes will surely do it.

Brass Tacks: 34 deaths before we were too drunk to count anymore, one boob exposed (half-heartedly at that), a coven of psychic witches who looked like veiled extras from a Billy Idol video doing warmups from a Jane Fonda workout tape, some top-notch stunt work (actually the stunties were the best actors in the whole shebang; we actually cared what happened to them afterward). Four kegs of pure awesomeness. See it tonight. Think you’ve seen something worse or seen something at the video store you don’t have the guts to rent? Send in any requests that aren’t Manos Hands of Fate to k_henryv@yahoo.com, and we’ll brave the rapids.