Hi Lucia, I met this guy in a bar, and I really like him. I know it was a big mistake, but I slept with him on the first date. I also told him I liked him on the second date.

Things are a bit complicated between us. He never says he likes me, but when I tried to say goodbye twice he kept holding me back and told me he is still single.

Sometimes he is so sweet, but sometimes he’s just so cold. I thought maybe he was interested but just doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. I told him I don’t want to have a boyfriend right now. (It’s a lie. I want him to be mine, but I can’t let him know that.)

I want to get to know him more, but he seems hard to become friends with. We keep meeting, but that’s it.

I just want to be nice and be friends with him, that way he might want me for more than sex. I want to see him every time he asks me. I don’t want to play games. It’s been nearly six months since we first met.

I try not to be too clingy or to text him all the time. I want to text him everyday, but I don’t do it.

Should I continue meeting him and treating him nice? I really like him. I want everything between us to get better. —Kim

Dear Kim,

You want to have a relationship with this guy, but you keep shooting yourself in the foot. You’ve been making mistake after mistake since the night you met him. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s still around.

When you sleep with someone you’ve just met, the message you’re sending is that you don’t respect yourself and you don’t see yourself as a “prize” which someone has to earn. Why would any guy want to be with someone who thinks so little of herself?

Then you told him you liked him on the second date, and you wonder why things are “complicated” between you now? Way to kill mystery and challenge. You basically handed yourself over to a stranger on a silver platter.

Guys are used to competing and having to work for what they want. There’s nothing for him to work for, so why should he be interested? By being the one to initiate contact (text messages, etc.) you continue to send the message that you have to chase him because he’s the prize and you’re just lucky to be in his presence.

This isn’t about being nice, it’s about being smart, and you’ve been anything but. If he’s still “seeing” you, it’s because you’re his booty call. Can this be turned around? I doubt it, but you can always try.

Do the opposite of everything you’ve been doing. Don’t initiate contact. Don’t always be available when he wants to get together. Don’t hang on his every word when you’re with him. Don’t appear too happy to be in his company. Don’t talk about the future.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson and will get it together for the next time.

Hi Lucia,

I love dating or seeing older women. I love the way they handle themselves and look.

Twenty-one-year olds are fun but get old. An active, older woman who likes to go out and can turn heads with a great cocktail dress and heels is the most attractive thing I can think of.

I’d like to know why older women always ask why I like them and how come I am not “into” younger girls. Are all older women this insecure about this? —Brian

Hi Brian,

Luckily, not all older women are insecure about the age factor. Most know that they are the total package and have more to offer than younger women, because they’ve had more time to get their act together.

You may be meeting women who are recently divorced and back on the dating scene or who have always dated older men. The concept of a guy preferring an older woman is still quite new to a lot of people.

Tell them the same things you’ve told me, and that should help appease their concerns.

Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.

Write to Lucia at artoflove@campuscircle.net.

Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.

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