Mmm, mmm, mmm ... nothin’ says good times like free hooch. Besides, you’ve been getting screwed for far too long by local dive bars ($6 for a Pabst Blue Ribbon? WTF?!?!?). Instead of getting mad, get even. Take back the broken social scene by enjoying open bar at some of the coolest spots in town.

Weekends get off to a great start at Hush Lounge (6533 Hollywood Blvd., Los Angeles). Each Friday night from 10 p.m. until 11:30 p.m., this club kicks it speakeasy-style by giving away free champagne.

All you need to know are the magic words (tell ’em Judah Ray and Jono sent you). And if that’s not incentive enough, there’s no cover charge at the door.

Big Saturday at Temporary Space (5100 Fountain Ave., Hollywood) gives ample opportunity to double your pleasure and fun with 2-for-1 Siku vodka (from 10 p.m. to 1 p.m.). Yep, your favorite potato-based libation reigns supreme within these four walls.

You’ve never shied away from name-dropping in the past, so now is not the time to start. Make sure you ask the bartender for Siku because it’s the only one that’s free on this night.

Here’s one for all you students out there: Keggers are to American youth what cigarettes, skinny jeans and bad teeth are to some Europeans. Assert your free world dominance every Sunday night at LAX (1714 N. Las Palmas Ave., Los Angeles).

Here, you’ll get beer, beer and more beer. Just make sure you RSVP (at bpmmagazine.net/bananasplit) before arriving.

Got a case of the Mondays? Well, that’s nothing a little tequila can’t cure. RSVP at madmondays@gmail.com to get your name on the list at the Purple Lounge (the Standard on the Sunset Strip, 8300 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood). Then truck on over for free shots with no cover charge between 10 p.m. and 11 p.m.

Tuesday night is the best time to head downtown to Ma’Kai Lounge (101 Broadway, Santa Monica). From 8 p.m. until midnight, your groovy taste in music is enough to get you jacked up on free mojitos.

That’s right, folks. Just present your five-song playlist and let them do the rest. But don’t get greedy. No one said that your fully stocked mp3 player counts toward multiple beverages.

If you’ve got jungle fever, then Jimmy’s Lounge (6202 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood) has the perfect elixir. Its party, Recession Sessions (held each Thursday), offers free Jungle Juice with no cover charge from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Where I come from, jungle juice is Kool-Aid’s ghetto, low-rent cousin. But I’m assuming Jimmy’s version has a bit more kick to it than that.

However, if you’re looking to get your drink on a bit earlier than most, or if life is just raking you over the coals, you can always booze it up any day of the week for a small fee.

Cha Cha Lounge (2375 Glendale Blvd., Los Angeles) has one of the stoopidest happy hours in the entire city. Well drinks are $2.50; Hipster milk – aka Pabst – is only a buck-fifty. Bring $20; spend half on your inebriation and the other half on a couple of glorious bacon-wrapped hot dogs from a nearby street chef as you head home with that night’s conquest.

Or drown yourself in the sexiest ambiance Los Angeles has to offer at Royal Claytons (1855 Industrial St., Los Angeles). Happy hour each day of the week boasts $5 pizza and $3 draft and well drinks.

These items are great on their own. But they’re even better when delivered to your grubby little hands by the megawatt hot guys and gals who work behind the bar.