We is writing to you on behalf of the crown prince of Nigeria. As you may have seen in the news stories, we is in possession of vast reserves containing petrol and other majority valuable materials.
We is however in a great state of problem. We lack significant bank accounts to hoist our major wealth of good use.
But good fortune for you! We are able to pay you prettily for your help with our moneyflow. The crown prince himself will translate to you the sum of 100,000 American Dollars if you were to be helping us. This money is gift of the peoples of Nigeria and of the crown prince, and we will send it immediate to you.
All we need is your help in opening bank account in United States to help with sum of 5,000 American Dollars of your owning. We will be so happy to pay you back this money as the great reward of the people of Nigeria of a hundred thousands of American Dollars.
Please hold back your stunned indigence when I alert you to the above scam. It is very likely that there is no crown prince of Nigeria who wants to give you $100,000! Be forewarned! Why, if these Internets weren’t chock full of really fantastic porn, it would be quite a dangerous place for the young and the stupid.
Fortunately, I have a solution to the above trap, which I have personally and originally dubbed a “Nigerian Scam.” This solution aids both the scammer –henceforth known as The Nigerian – and the scamee, henceforth known as You.
According to an exhaustive 20-year survey by the University of Montawk –Otter Bay, 93.62 percent of people online are either watching porn or desperately attempting to navigate away from porn during a family gathering or religious convocation. The study conclusively confirms that pornography generates an inordinate amount of Internet traffic, and in an increasingly competitive marketplace, sites must continually improve their service to lure more customers.
The result is that porn sites are now the best maintained and most secure on the Internets and the Google. So I have heard from researchers monitoring the situation on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.
So, to provide a better experience for The Nigerian and You, the scam simply needs to spice up its language.
Greetings sexy friend,
We is writing to you on behalf of the hardcore crown prince of massive Nigeria, Highness Jack, off the throne with worry, to see if you may have seen in the nubile stories. We is in throbbing possession of monster reserves containing jugs of petrol and other majority valuable materials, including pussy cats.
We is in a great long thick problem. We lack heavy load of bank accounts to spray our major wealth on fields of good use.
But good fortune for you, missionary, position we are in makes us able to pay you (cheap, hooker fish and sucker fish – delicious tongue treats – not included), for your help with stroking our moneyflow. The crown prince himself, the cock of the walk, will translate to you the sum of 100,000 American Dollars if you were to slap us a hand, big behind we are in our pay. This money is a gift from the Nigeria, where it is very wet and hot, teens and we will send it immediate to you.
All we desire is your touch in opening bank account in United States to help with seed sum of 5,000 American Dollars of your domination. We will be so happy to thrust back to you this money as the pulsing good will of the people of Nigeria of a hundred thousands of your American Dollars. Bang!
Google hits would spike, traffic would increase and the Nigerian Scam market would be forced to deliver a higher-quality product. It’s just the recipe to salve the global financial meltdown – international trade, e-commerce, big returns – and it’s a lot more straightforward than those lucrative, surefire Ponzi schemes. That is, unless you believe “President” Obama and think regulation somehow is able to regulate things and that instinctive, obsessive and perfectly terrific human urges like greed and self-pleasuring aren’t the good ol’ fashioned lifeblood of industry.
No, give me the competition of the free market anytime. It works for Wall Street and it’ll work for the Internets and Googles that run outside the pesky, puritanical regulatory eyes of parental controls. Pretty soon someone’s gonna start getting checks for $100k from Nigeria. That buys a lotta lotion, and it’s safer than investing.
Nigeria and Porn: How Internet Compe-tit-ion Can Save the Economy