Here is the answer to last week’s e-mail:

You say your stomach is in knots when you are around him, he makes you cry, cuts you off when you try to talk and has no physical interest in you to the point that you no longer feel feminine. If this were happening to your friend or sister, would you think the man was in love with them?

I want you to read the third paragraph in the e-mail you sent me. That should be the mantra you recite every time you feel that you may want to get back together with your ex.

There’s a reason your stomach is in knots and you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells. Your body is trying to send you a message, and you’re not listening. It can’t speak to you with words, so it’s trying to make you as uncomfortable as possible.

This does not sound salvageable. This man has many control and dependency issues. He needs to make you feel small in order to feel safe.

If someone is happy and healthy, they want the same for the people around them. Only someone who is in pain is willing to cause others pain.

Since he has been such an important part of your life, you can certainly have him as a friend, since that seems to be the only way you can have a peaceful relationship.

In the meantime, I would suggest you see a therapist on your own, to find out why you were willing to put up with this for so long. As sick as it may sound, you were getting something out of staying with him. You need to find out what it was, so that you don’t repeat that in your next relationship.



Hi Lucia,

I was just wondering how to talk to a guy, what to say. Sometimes when we are talking there’s an awkward silence!

What should we talk about when we are texting? Should I say I want to talk about our relationship, or do guys hate that?

We will be going to the mall. Should I hold his hand?

—Blu

Hi Blu,

I’m glad you wrote to me. I can tell from your questions that you’re either a teenager or in your early 20s. Yet, the questions you ask are in the minds of women twice your age. Hopefully I can stop you now from getting into bad habits.

If you’re concerned about awkward silences, then have a list in your mind of things to talk about. Do not discuss the relationship.

What’s to discuss? I know that any relationship discussions are going to be about you wanting to know where it’s going. However, if you follow my advice, you will know where it’s going, because the guy will want to see you and talk to you as much as possible.  

I know your generation is into communicating via texting, however it is too impersonal and makes you too accessible. This is not a good thing when you are trying to establish a romantic relationship.

So, even though it goes against what all your friends are doing, I would keep texting to an absolute minimum. It should mainly be used for logistics – I’m running late, etc.

Once in a while you can have a very brief conversation with just three or four exchanges. If nothing else, you will at least stand out in his mind as not being like all the other girls! Yes, that’s a good thing!

Finally, in terms of the PDA, you need to let the man (or the boy in this case) initiate any form of public affection. Some guys don’t feel comfortable with PDA, so you don’t want to put them in the position of trying to untangle themselves from you.

Your questions all come from a place of feeling you need to be pro-active, but you don’t. Females are meant to receive. You don’t need to initiate anything. You just need to show up with a smile, look good, smell good, sound good and Mother Nature will do the rest.



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