Ugh, my life is a nightmare. Many folks who know me are smiling because they know the stress and irritation that my day-to-day activities bring. Let’s break it down: In the past three months I lost a job, a boyfriend, several friends (who moved away due to the economy) and several professional contacts (due to my inability to function properly in the midst of all my stress). It’s like I’m born under a bad sign or something (Hey, Universe, what the hell do you have against Scorpios, anyway?).

Despite the dross that is my life, I do, however, manage to land on my feet more often than not. Sure, I’m not living large and in charge the way I used to when I was a) employed, b) attached, c) not about to rip my own face off in frustration, but I’m still doing OK.

The reason why is that I’m one resourceful little bugger. I never wait for the shit to hit the fan; I just keep an umbrella at the ready for the inevitable poo-storm when it decides to make a surprise visit. For this reason, lots of my friends still come to me for guidance and assistance through their trying times. I guess it’s because I seem to have it all figured out.

Well, you too can give the appearance of handling yours when times get tough. It’s not very hard; you just have to remember the words of that old deodorant commercial from back in the day: “Never let ’em see you sweat.”

Got somewhere important to go but nothing to wear and little money to spend on something new? Just do what I do – accessorize your ass off.

My all-time favorite place in which to do this is California Surplus Mart (6263 Santa Monica Blvd.; 323-465-5525). This Army Navy surplus store is a treasure trove of badass belts, wallets, shades, cuffs and hats that will take your ordinary white shirt and dark pants and transform them to something straight off the Paris and Milan runways.

For ladies, $25 will get you a trendy little beret and a chic pair of shades to have you flossin’ with confidence. For guys, you can achieve the same for the same price by snagging a wrist cuff and a cool pair of aviator shades which are always in style.

As I type this, I’m literally sitting in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (8735 Santa Monica Blvd.; in West Hollywood. The reason? Well, the good folks at Charter Communications have screwed my life with their ever-failing Internet service. But their screw up is the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf’s gain.

This chain has free WiFi, people. Unlike Starbucks where you have to pay for a gift card to use their access, Coffee Bean likes you enough to pimp it out for the price of … on the house! Now, I can go online and find a cost effective alternative to Charter (which I will be canceling by the end of this year).

I’ve decided to switch to mobile broadband through Virgin Mobile. With purchase of a USB-enabled device (, I can prepay for service, depending on my monthly usage. I’m online all the time, so I’ll probably shoot for the $60 plan. This way, I can surf the Web everywhere, do so cost-effectively and not have to deal with large companies' old equipment, which never seems to work (thus adding to the ruination of my life).

My final bone to pick is with my neighborhood post office. It’s like my postman knows everyone of my exes or something and has been using their collective hatred of me to fuel his insistence to not deliver my mail and packages to me on time. Oh, sure, he’s great with getting me the cavalcade of junk mail I receive each month, but my checks are unaccounted for. Luckily, I can replace him, too.

Earth Class Mail ( is a paperless Internet-based post office that charges me roughly $10 a month to process and hold my letters and packages. For a small fee, I can pay to have the items sent to me once they arrive.

Take that, black cloud. I may be down, but I ain’t out!