With over 20 years experience on the relationship market, Lucia has dated men of all nationalities in six cities, four countries and two continents. Her practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense relationship advice – after all, in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell about it.
Dear Lucia,
I’ve been dating my former boss since 1995. There is
not a subject he cannot talk about, but he is not very nurturing for me emotionally.
During our relationship, I often got the feeling there were other women. When I would be at his place the phone seldom got answered, unless the caller ID showed a man’s or a relative’s name.
Our last time together was Super Bowl Sunday and I haven’t received one phone call from him since. I got angry because he was flirting with someone else at the party. Now he drops me a note saying he plans to call, yet the call has never come, and I refuse to lift the phone to call.
His last words were, "Go date another. I won’t be what you want." All I want is his love and respect. He can keep the gifts and horrible trips where he would completely ignore me.
Where did I go wrong? Why can’t I get him out of my system? I am shocked
he could just walk away so easily with no feelings for me. Why does he do this?
—Broken
Spirit
Dear Broken Spirit,
The question is not: Why does he do this? The question is: Why do you do this?
By blaming him, you are saying that you have no power and are, therefore, a
victim. Yes, you are a victim – of your own behavior. I firmly believe
in the maxim: There are no victims, only volunteers. Let’s look at the
warning signs you chose to ignore:
1) He is not emotionally nurturing: One of the great benefits of being in
a relationship is that this is where you go to be emotionally supported and
nurtured, especially if you didn’t get it from your parents when you were
growing up.
2) Other women: When all the signs were there that you were not the only one,
why did you stick around? Don’t you have any self-respect?
3) He told you to date others: Someone who loves you would never say this to
you.
4) He ignored you on trips: Someone who loves you is elated to be on a trip
with you and doesn’t ignore you.
Why did you choose to ignore all these red flags? Oh, I know. Because you loved him. My answer to that is: Yes, but he didn’t love you.
You want his love and respect? You don’t know the first thing about love. If someone came along and treated you well, you wouldn’t know what to do. You’re hooked on being mistreated like a junkie is hooked on heroin. How can he respect a woman who would stick around no matter how he treated her? Of course he doesn’t respect you. You don’t respect you.
Where did you go wrong? When you realized he wasn’t there for you, both emotionally and physically, but still stuck around.
The best thing he ever did was to say to you, "Go date another. I won’t be what you want." At least that time he was telling the truth.
I deliberately left your age out of the letter, but you and I both know how old you are. It’s sad that someone your age still hasn’t acquired enough wisdom and life experience to stay away from this type of guy. I would suggest that you run – not walk – to a therapist to figure out why you are keeping yourself from being in a healthy relationship. Otherwise, you’ll end up alone or, even worse, in another bad relationship.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Watch Lucia’s show, "The Art of Love," on Adelphia East Valley Public Access (Channel 25) on Tuesday, June 21 at 8 p.m. The topic: Sex.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net
"The Art of Love" is sponsored by JEWELTOPIA, 10873 Pico Blvd. & Glendale Galleria.
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