My GF has gained a lot of weight since we started dating two years ago. It’s to the point now that I’m not as attracted to her as I once was and at times am not attracted to her at all. I love her and have tried to drop hints, but she gets really defensive, even at the subtlest comment.
I started working out to be an example to her but I haven’t seen any change in her. I’d hate to lose her to it but I know I won’t be happy if she doesn’t try to change. What should I do?
—Jason
Dear Jason,
Thanks for writing in. This is a common problem, but most people don’t want to say anything for fear of being thought shallow.
I have another perspective. Believe it or not, her weight gain isn’t the biggest problem in your relationship. The fact that she refuses to discuss it is the bigger issue.
Being in an intimate relationship means that you should be able to talk about anything, and I do mean anything. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s not supposed to be a place where you go to hide, which is what your girlfriend is doing. There’s obviously a reason she’s put on all that weight, and the fact that she won’t even talk about it is unfair to you. It leaves you hanging. She’s basically saying, "Take it or leave it" by her actions. You say you’d hate to lose her because of it, but she doesn’t seem to care whether she loses you because of it.
The discussion you need to have with her is the one about the fact that two people who have been dating for two years should be able to talk about anything and you’re bothered that she won’t do this. If you’ve decided that you’re willing to leave if she doesn’t make an attempt to change, let her know. This may be the motivation she needs to change her eating habits.
Dear Lucia,
I’m writing in response to your article "Why Guys Don’t Call." Guys don’t call because it is a weird turn-off to a girl if you do call exactly as you say you will. A lot of ladies interpret a guy who seems to be able to call regularly and always on time as a loser who probably has nothing better to do than to call THEM, the ONLY woman in his life.
Women love it when a man doesn’t call, they start thinking, "Oh no, maybe he is with another woman. What is stopping him from calling me?" etc. Then the competitive edge and insecurity kicks in and she starts thinking, "What can I do to get him?" or "Why does someone or something else have his attention and not me?" Then the whole obsession begins!
—Adam
Dear Adam,
Unfortunately, I have to agree with you for the most part, but I would like to make one observation. You used the words "girl" and "woman." These terms are not interchangeable. A "girl" will see a guy that’s reliable as a "loser," but a "woman" will not put up with a man who isn’t reliable. Men have to decide whether they are looking for a girl or are ready for a woman.
If you call when you say you will and the female is turned off, then you know you are dealing with a girl. If you don’t call when you say you will and the female calls you on it, then you know you are dealing with a woman. The choice is yours.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Watch Lucia’s show, "The Art of Love," on Comcast Public Access (Channel 24) on Friday, July 1 at 8:30 p.m.
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