Hi Lucia,

I am 28 and dating a woman who is 46. We are secret lovers because she is still married. I got a divorce based on her advice believing we would get married soon. Now she does not want to get a divorce as she is scared of the fallout from her family.

We live together, and we are very much in love and crazy about each other. We talked about making a baby and know we don’t have time on our side. I care about her a lot and love her deeply but don’t want to force her to do anything that she does not want to do. We have a great relationship, understand and appreciate each other. We are like a perfect couple. I don’t want to lose her yet want to have kids with her.

I do not want to ruin my relationship with her, but I don’t want to look back in the future and regret the fact that I wasted all these years hoping for the impossible. —In Deep Waters

Hi In Deep Waters,

That’s quite a dilemma you have there. I can only give you my observations, but in the end the decision is up to you.

One thing that bothers me is that you were willing to get divorced without a clear promise from her that she too would be getting divorced. When you say you “believed” you would get married soon, I don’t know if it’s because that’s what you told yourself or if she too promised to get divorced and then went back on her word.

If it’s the latter, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to be with someone who would renege on such a huge promise. If she’s willing to do it in this situation, will she then agree to have a child with you but continue to take birth control?

The other bothersome issue is that she is a grown woman of 46, and she is still concerned about what her family will think. At some point, everyone has to grow up and do what is best for them. She should be well past that point by now.

One final thought. You’re right – you’re like a perfect couple, but you’re not a perfect couple, otherwise, you’d both be single.

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