Hi Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for the past three months who is unemployed. He says we cannot be in a serious relationship until he finds a job. Ever since day one, we have been inseparable. I am always helping him find new job postings, and if there is something to be done on the computer he asks for my help.

He reminds me all the time that we are just “friends”. He wants to know every single detail of what I do and whom I talk to. I really like this guy, but I am afraid that once he finds a job he will then kick me to the curb.

I am very sweet to him and really never expecting anything in return. I do want him to find a job and be less stressed. At the end, I am hoping he will then ask me to be his girlfriend.

I have always been there for him, sometimes even without him asking, and I feel he expects it to be like that. But when I need him, he’s not. What should I do?


Hi Angela,

Women have got to stop thinking that all they need to do is be sweet and always there for a guy and he will fall in love. Not gonna happen! That is behavior you save for a guy who has already made a commitment to you, not a guy you just met.

Men want a woman who is “high value”. What does this look like?

A high-value woman:

• Is not inseparable from day one with a guy she just met – she has a life

• Does not act like a man’s mother by helping someone she barely knows look for a job

• Believes a man when he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship until he has a job

• Is willing to be friends first, especially if he keeps reminding her of her “status” with him

• Is not “always there” for someone who isn’t there for her

A man cannot fall in love with a woman who gives more than he does. He feels guilty for not giving back and feels rushed into behavior he may not yet be ready for. If you don’t value yourself enough to have a life, how can you expect him to value you?

The answer to your question is: Stop! Stop doing everything. Stop helping him find a job, stop being there for him all the time, stop being inseparable. Since he is just a friend, behave with him as you would with a friend you had no romantic interest in.

I know this will be hard to do, so I suggest pulling away in small doses. If you see each other seven nights a week, cut back to six, then five, etc.  

As I said in my book, Lucia’s Lessons of Love, “What we achieve too easily, we esteem too lightly.”

Write to Lucia at theartoflove.net. Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at lessonsoflove.net. Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on latalkradio.com. Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens