I had been dating this guy for five months, and everything was going well until we hit a bump after a stupid argument because he was stressed at work. After not talking for a couple of weeks we are back on (after I called him). He has a pretty stressful life because of work or should I say: He’s making it pretty stressful for himself.

He doesn’t seem to make me a priority, and this is not making me feel good at all ... He’s working on getting promoted, and since then has told me he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t initiate dates anymore like he used to. He knows I’m looking for a relationship, and this is scary for me because I fell for him already.

We used to see each other every week, but now I feel like he’s pulling away and I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid he’s going to break my heart. I’m trying to be patient and see if he’s going to initiate dates, but so far he has made his work his priority. I feel like I’m always the one to initiate contact lately, and part of me is very insecure. I freak out when I don’t hear from him and feel like he’s done with me. How do I make him care and want to commit to a relationship?

—Allison



Everyone hits bumps in the road at some point, but how you handle them will determine if the relationship will become stronger or break apart.

Were you initiating dates, feeling insecure and freaking out when you first started dating? I bet you weren’t, and that’s what made you attractive and allowed the relationship to progress to five months. You knew that type of behavior would get you nowhere, so what makes you think it will work now? It may be instinctual to chase someone who is running away from you, but it’s not effective.

Of course he’s not initiating right now, because you took over that job for him, so why would he? The irony is that you’re taking action because you’re afraid you’ll lose him, but it’s the action you’re taking that will eventually cause you to lose him. Remember, the hunter chases the deer, not the other way around.

The other issue here is that he wants to focus on work right now, and instead of being supportive, you are trying to pull him away from that. A man’s work and mission in life will always be important to him, and he will distance himself either emotionally and/or physically from anyone who doesn’t allow him to do that.

Just because you fell for him, it doesn’t mean he owes you a relationship. If a guy you weren’t into fell for you, does that mean you would owe him a relationship?

So, the only way to save this is to take several steps waaaaay back. Do not initiate contact under any circumstance. Unless he calls you or is in front of you, he does not exist! When you do speak to him, pretend you just started dating. Do not ask him how he feels about you or where the relationship is going. That will only work against you. Be easy and breezy – think Cover Girl!

You also need to start flirting with other guys, and eventually start dating. Having this hyper focus on one guy who hasn’t even “put a ring on it” will not lead to anything good.

Remember: Don’t make someone a priority if they only see you as an option.



Write to Lucia at theartoflove.net. Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at lessonsoflove.net. Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on latalkradio.com. Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.