Kim asks, “I stumbled upon my boyfriend’s porn stash, and it’s full of really gross anime porn. Is that normal? Should any of this loli/bukkakke/rape stuff worry me?”

He Said:

Australian comedian Jim Jeffries once told a story about an ex-girlfriend of his that tried to insult him by telling him that he never made her orgasm, to which Jeffries replied, “Really? Do you think you make me [orgasm]? Do you know who makes me [orgasm]? I make me [orgasm]! All the terrible things in my head – you have very little to do with it!” While this is obviously aimed at garnering laughs instead of affection, it sheds light on a universal truth: Guys think a lot when we have sex. We’re not exactly solving calculus up there, but we’re judging if we can pull off that next move; we’re calculating the time it’ll take to finish; and we are always always seeking more stimuli. Know any guys that don’t want to have a threesome? I rest my case.  

Now, of course you want to be stimulating enough for your man; and for guys, getting someone to make you orgasm is usually enough to make you orgasm. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you need more. Sometimes you need to think of some pretty insane things to get you there, and this is why the Asian porn industry is a multi-billion dollar market leader: There’s no such thing as “going too far.”

Alarming? Yes. Disgusting? Sure. But stimulating? Always.  

Proponents are quick to attribute the allure of Asian porn to its submissive female roles: Hentai, especially, is known for depicting innocent looking young girls in varying levels of sexual discomfort and pain for the sake of male gratification. But submission isn’t the draw – novelty is.  

What Asian porn offers is limitlessness. I don’t know why it’s so weird, and I don’t know where they come up with ecchi like tentacle porn or broken-doll porn or comics who show what sex looks like from the inside (ew), but I know that no matter how unimaginative sex gets, the Asian porn market will supply something utterly mind-blowing.  

No matter what he has to imagine [to orgasm], at least he’s still having sex with you. He could be seeking that extra stimulus by joining a furry club or bringing a giant squid to bed or dressing 8-year-olds up as nurses (ew).   

She Said:

Has he ever dumped a bucket of raw calamari on top of your naked body and made love to you to the sound of squishing tentacles? Because if it’s not transferring to the bedroom, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

But I don’t know, Asian porn is full of young girls, cartoon or not, and that’s where things start to get wiggy. Octopus sex? Weird, but how much weirder is that than Twilight fan-fiction? Rape fantasies? Less OK, but I guess they’re understandable; there are plenty of couples who indulge in those sorts of fantasies together. Rape fantasies about 8-year-olds? Now, I might object.

I’ve stumbled across the occasional child porn site, and I freak out the way I used to in elementary school when I got penis enlargement spam e-mails. There’s something ingrained in me that forces me to react negatively to children being taken advantage of sexually, and I appreciate that reflex. If you’re into that, suppress it. Lock it away in the chambers of your tortured inner soul, Nabokov.

There are SO many types of porn out there. I understand exploration and watching weird porn to see what the hype’s about, but if you’ve stumbled across a massive collection of pornography that is categorized and accumulated over a long time, yeah, get a little weirded out. Also, if this freakiness is the ONLY type of porn you found, that might be an additional red flag.

There is also a HUGE difference between cartoon porn and real-life porn. If the wackiest stuff is cartoon porn and young girls weren’t actually involved, the situation no longer concerns Amnesty International. There’s just a fundamental difference. In my opinion, crazy cartoon fantasies are less worrisome than real-life kiddie porn. Agreed? So take that into consideration.

Ultimately, you’re going to be eeked out or you’re not. It’s going to be a guttural reaction, not something you can change your mind about later because other people tell you it’s acceptable.

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