Dear Lucia,

I’m 26 and have been dating a 34-year-old woman for a year. It’s been a difficult on-again-off-again relationship. We just went through another bad break-up and, once again, I find myself swearing that I will never be with her again.

What is it that I can do to make sure that I do not end up back with this person ever again? How do I let her go completely? She always manages to wiggle her way back in my life.


Dear JT,

If there were someone at your door that you did not want to let in, you simply wouldn’t open the door. The same holds true for your life. Don’t open the door and she won’t be able to get in. Ah, yes, that is the logical answer. Unfortunately, we’re dealing with emotions, not logic, and emotions don’t have an IQ.

You say she manages to "wiggle" (is that both literally and figuratively?) her way back in. I say that she couldn’t get back in unless you let her. You’re assuming she has power over you, but she only has as much power as you give her. If you decide that you no longer want to be in an on-again-off-again romance, she won’t be in your life. If you decide that you are a great catch and only want to be with someone as wonderful as you, she won’t be in your life.

Why are you holding on to someone that you’re obviously not happy with? What is missing in your life that she is currently providing (and I don’t mean sex)? What good feelings do you associate with her, and are they simply because you felt that way about her in the past?

Only time will allow you to let her go completely. In the meantime, focus on what’s wrong with the relationship and think about those things the next time you’re about to get sucked in again.

Dear Lucia,

Why do I attract the kind of women I’m not interested in? They are either the kind that want to be taken care of and don’t have any plans for the future, or they do have plans but I’m not attracted to them. How can I attract a woman that I’m interested in physically and want to partner with in a relationship? I am becoming a regular reader of your column. I would really like your advice.


Dear Mark,

Your question reminds me of the days when the only type of guy I attracted and dated was "players." The problem is not that we attract certain types of people, but that we’re willing to date them even after we find out what they’re about.

I no longer date players because I decided that as soon as I discovered someone was a player, I’d be gone. You need to do the same thing with women that want to be taken care of. If you’re willing to be alone for a while instead of wasting time with inappropriate partners, you’ll be sending out a message that you’re seriously looking for the right person and will not spend your time with the wrong person. Keep this maxim in mind: If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.

Write to Lucia at: ,a href="http://www.theartoflove.net">www.theartoflove.net

Watch Lucia’s show, "The Art of Love," on Adelphia Public Access (channels 77 or 98) on Thursday, Sept. 8 at 8:30 p.m.

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