Dear Lucia
Do you think it’s realistic to believe that when you meet the "one" that you’ll know it immediately? I keep thinking that’s the case, so I don’t waste time in a relationship if I don’t feel chemistry. People tell me love takes time, and I don’t give it any ... am I being a dreamer?
—Mike
Dear Mike,
In his book, Why Men Marry, author Russell Wild states that only 13 percent of men surveyed said they knew their wife was "the one" when they met her. 42 percent knew within the first several months to a year.
You may be missing out if you give up because you don’t feel chemistry immediately. As long as you are attracted to someone, at least give it a chance, even if you don’t get weak in the knees right away. You may surprise yourself.
Dear Lucia,
I recently moved in with a guy I was dating. I went to grab some of his laundry out of his basket and found a pair of women’s panties. He swears he didn’t know they were there and is really angry at me for not believing him.
Also, I can’t tell if he is over his ex, with whom he has a child. He talks about her and gets mad if I say anything negative about her. I feel sick about this and I don’t know what to believe. Is he telling the truth?
—Toni
Dear Toni,
It never ceases to amaze me the things people are willing to put up with in intimate relationships. You don’t know if he’s over his ex, and yet you were willing to move in with him? Why? Are you that desperate?
What’s important here is not the panties, but his reaction to you finding them. He got defensive. This tells me something’s probably going on. Think about it. If he found something that made it seem like you were up to something but you weren’t, would you get angry? If you were innocent, you’d probably be surprised and say you didn’t know anything, in a calm, normal tone of voice. You would be concerned that the other person would get upset over nothing. However, if you had something to hide, you’d get defensive (i.e. angry) to try to make the other person feel guilty and thus stop asking questions.
I once found a strand of long, dark hair in the bed of a guy I was dating. Since I’m a blonde, I knew it wasn’t mine. I got the same response as you. He didn’t know whom it belonged to or how it got there and how dare I not believe him. I later found out he was seeing someone else, and what do you know, she had long, dark hair.
At the moment you have what they call in court "circumstantial evidence". It looks like something could be/have been going on but it’s not absolutely certain. The panties and his reaction are warning signs, an orange flag. Keep your eyes open for more "flags" and if something similar happens again, you need to move out. An intimate relationship is supposed to be a safe haven. It should be a place where you know someone has your back, not where you need to watch your back.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: http://www.theartoflove.net
Watch Lucia’s show, The Art of Love, on Comcast Public Access (Channel 24)
on Friday, December 2 at 8pm.
The Art of Love is sponsored by: Twisted Elegance Boutique, 7407 and 7560 Melrose Ave.
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