I truly love a man that I have been involved with on and off for six years. I am 34 and he is 40. We once lived together for a year until I had to leave him because of his many issues, primarily with intimacy/closeness and commitment. He never let go after I left and continues to call. He fits the profile of a true commitment phobe; he does the push/pull thing.
He has said many times that he is so "conflicted" and I know he is. He is tortured by his phobic side that needs to feel free and his love for me and desire for love. His mother killed herself when he was twelve and his father was cold and critical of him. He and I have a connection, real comfort level, and long history. He said that I am the only woman he ever truly loved.
A few weeks ago he told me that he is in love with me, can’t see his life without me and so on. Although he is not the best with the "I love yous", kisses and so forth, that night he sure was. It also came after a fight where he thought he had "lost me" and later begged me not to give up on him.
I want to get married and have kids. He called two days later, we got into an argument and he hung up on me. He called a week later to apologize for hanging up. He started counseling again (at my request). We went to counseling when we lived together though but the results weren’t great.
I feel strongly that he should call me again and the ball is in his court. I’m sure he is hiding. I am attractive and intelligent and can easily have other dates, but never feel the connection, comfort level, and chemistry that I have with him. What can I do about this situation?
—Michelle
Dear Michelle,
What can you do? Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This man has more issues than a year’s subscription to TV Guide. You "claim" you want to get married and have children. In his book, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, John Malloy says that the main reason a woman arrives at age 40 without being married is because she spent her 30s with someone that was not marriage material. You’ve already given this relationship 6 years of your life? How many more years are you willing to waste hoping that he will truly commit?
You need to move on and start seeing other guys. Of course, when he finds out you are dating, he will immediately want you and will say anything to get you back. You need to make a firm decision that you want to find someone who is ready and willing to make a commitment to you. He’s had 6 years, and he still hasn’t stepped up to the plate, so don’t believe anything he says, because as you have seen, his words mean nothing. They are the simply the fears of a scared, little boy who will say anything not to lose mommy.
Over a year ago, a guy I was seeing that had similar commitment issues hung up on me also. Despite his repeated phone calls, I haven’t spoken to him nor will I ever speak to him again. That was the final straw for me. I hope your guy hanging up on you will be the final straw for you.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net.
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