Dear Lucia,
I am a 30-year-old single mother. I have been dating a man for almost five months, and have fallen in love with him. I spend anywhere from two to four nights a week at his place. I haven’t had him meet my children yet, and I really don’t think he’s ready to anyways.
I honestly do believe he cares about me and wants to be with me, but any time I bring up “girlfriend/boyfriend”, he tells me he’s not ready to be in a relationship. I don’t think he is seeing or sleeping with anyone besides me. The other night he even told me that I should bring a toothbrush and leave it there, so I don’t always have to carry it in my purse.
I need to know what you think about the fact he doesn’t want a relationship, yet from the outside, we look like a couple. Am I wasting my time or should I be more patient?
—Confused
Dear Confused,
Do you two ever go out or is all your time together spent at his place? If you ever hope to take this to the next level, then you need to insist that some of your time together be spent outside the house. Otherwise, you are just the convenient booty call that is all too happy to come by two to four times a week. Which leads me to my next point.
More than twice a week is entirely too much time to be spending with someone you’ve only known for five months, especially when there is no commitment. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the more he sees you, the more he’ll want you. It’s actually the other way around.
Have you asked him why he’s not ready? I was in a similar situation recently and when I asked why, he told me about the horrible break up he had gone through 18 months earlier. He was scared and rightly so. You can’t push people past their fears no matter how logical your argument or how good you are in bed.
If he doesn’t have a great reason as to why he’s not ready, then you need to think about yourself, and cut down on the amount of time you see him and also see other guys. Stop pushing for a commitment and see what happens.
Dear Lucia,
I recently met the most wonderful guy. We exchanged emails and began chatting daily. Emails evolved to phone numbers and then further meetings at coffeehouses. I am 35 years old and my friend is 18 and very mature for his age. He just admitted to me he is a virgin and wants me to be his first experience.
What do I say to him? A part of me is flattered of course ... another part of me says no way ... and then yet another part of me is definitely intrigued by the whole thing. He is a great person and extremely attractive. If he were 10 years older he would be perfect for me, however, he’s not ... so I need your input.
—Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Whether you want to “de-flower” this teenager is up to you. Just remember that he will carry that experience with him and it will have an effect (good or bad) on his sex life forever.
My only concern is why you would even consider it. What is missing from you life and development or what are you avoiding, that you would entertain having anything to do with a teenager? I don’t care how “mature he is for his age”, he’s not even old enough to drink!
If I met an 18-year-old, the conversation would last three minutes, if that. I believe you have some soul searching to do.
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