I have a steady boyfriend of six months that wants to marry me. I am 47 and he is 50 or 51. I think I love him and we seem very compatible. I told him I need a couple months to think about it.
I am secretly in love with a male friend of mine. We have never been more than friends but care for each other a lot, even though he is married. His relationship with her is always on the rocks and I would never do anything to cause a divorce. I have never even told him I am in love with him.
—Debbie
Dear Debbie,
Well, you didn't ask a question; so I'm going to assume you're wondering whether you should marry the steady you've been dating for a mere six months, whose age you're not quite sure of, who you think you love but will need a couple of months to consider his proposal because you're secretly in love with a married male friend. Hmm, let me think … Gee, I guess my answer would be … Hell no!
If you are not ecstatic about this guy wanting you for his wife, then you have no desire to fill that position. Two days, two weeks or two months isn't going to change your mind, unless of course you're waiting to see what happens with your “friend.”
Are you going to base your decision on whether he's still married at that time? If he is, your current steady would only become your husband by default. Is that fair to him? Would you want to be someone's second choice as a wife? Besides, how do you know your friend could ever see you as more than that?
You have three choices here: One, end the relationship with your steady and hang around waiting for your friend's marriage to end, no matter how many years that may take, if ever. Two, end the relationship with your steady, and find someone who makes you forget about your friend. Three, hang in there with this one, see what happens and forget you have feelings for someone that is unavailable.
Hi Lucia,
I've been with my guy friend for 12 months now. At first he wasn't ready to go the next level. My guy gave all of himself to me Saturday. I was shocked, still I think I'm dreaming. What brings a couple close?
—Ms. Sha.
Dear Ms. Sha,
Several factors are involved in bringing two people closer together. Once it's been established that there is a mutual physical attraction, a mental and emotional connection also needs to build. This comes over time through doing fun activities together.
You get to see how the person handles themselves in a variety of situations, both good and bad. You will either gain more respect for them, and thus grow to love them (You can't have love without respect. Otherwise, it's just lust.) or you will decide they're not for you.
To build a mental connection you need to have occasional long talks about yourselves, your lives, your hopes and dreams, your ideals, your fears, etc. For an emotional connection to exist, there has to be a high level of trust, so that the other person can open up and discuss their feelings, without fear of being judged or having those feelings used against them.
Two people rarely arrive at the same place (mentally and emotionally) simultaneously, so my best advice would be to not try to rush things, because it won't work.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net .
Watch Lucia's show, “The Art of Love,” on Comcast Public Access (channel 24) on Friday, June 30 at 8 p.m.
The Art of Love is sponsored by: Twisted Elegance Boutique, 7407 and 7560 Melrose Ave.
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