I started hanging out with a guy who told me up front that his ex invited herself to come visit him in a month. He said he didn't want her to come out, but that she spent the money and they'd kept in touch so he'd just see what happened; soon after he asked me to date him.
When I confronted him about his ex and asked if he planned to see me while she was here he said, “I guess not because it would be awkward.” I said goodbye. Now he is trying everything to get me back.
How do I deal with his pleads to see me now? He asks if he can see me if he tells her not to come out. Do I ignore him or repeat that I told him what is and isn't acceptable and his ignoring that doesn't help his reputation with me?
I feel that letting him see me would let him feel like he can get away with not respecting my boundaries regarding the issue and I don't want to call his shots for him.
—Desiree
Dear Desiree,
Congratulations on your insight. You've pretty much answered your own questions. Unless you're just interested in a fling, whenever you find out there's still an “active” ex in the picture, it's time to distance yourself from that person.
His explanation regarding why she was coming sounds lame. If he really didn't want her to come out, she wouldn't have spent the money to make the trip.
Think about it – if you had an ex that you didn't want to see, would you tolerate their making a trip just to see you? No! His statement that “he'd just see what happened” tells me there's still unfinished business there.
How do you deal with his pleading to see you? At this point, you owe him nothing. If you are uncomfortable seeing him under the circumstances, as you should be, then you simply don't see him no matter how much he begs or pleads.
Otherwise, you teach him that if he whines enough, you'll give in. This is not a good precedent to set with pets, children or potential boyfriends.
You're right in not calling the shots for him. We need to let people do whatever they're going to do and then we decide whether we still want that person in our lives or not. Tell him that as long as his ex is in the picture to the point that she is willing to spend money to see him, you are not available and will be moving on and dating others.
Hi Lucia,
I would like to comment on your recent column, “An Actor in L.A.” (June 7 issue of Campus Circle ). Maybe the women realized the guy had nothing to offer for the long term but figured, “what the hell ... he's good looking, might as well get laid if nothing else.”
He's 20, new in town, trying to be an actor/player and the girls he meets can see that, but aren't necessarily looking for a LTR (long-term relationship). When I played in bands in my 20s and 30s, girls I dated pretty much “gave it up” on the first date also. Hopefully one gets more selective as one matures.
—Rick
Dear Rick,
I do agree that some of the girls may have thought that, but I doubt that they all had sex right away because they saw him as nothing more than a booty call. The girl he met in the supermarket continued to call after he broke it off with her. She probably wouldn't have done that if she just saw him as something casual.
Thanks for your input!
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