I've been dating a man for nine months. He has been divorced for three years and they were together for a total of nine years. There was infidelity on her part towards the end, but he is reluctant to talk about most of it. It feels like he is shutting me out of a big part of his life.
I can sense that he still has some upset/angry feelings towards his ex for her betrayal and I have told him that he needs to work through that and forgive her and let go of those negative feelings. He somehow seems to think that forgiving her means saying that the hurtful things she did to him were OK.
He told me that he only has said “I love you” to two women, her and me. He's also said that when he loves, he loves always. So I know that he still has feelings for her even though he is no longer in love with her and has made it clear that there would not be a reconciliation for them in the future.
It feels like this is an obstacle to him loving me completely because she still has such a hold on his feelings. I want him to be able to open up and talk about this and let go of all these feelings of hurt and pain that are weighing him down.
Is this a case of him being “emotionally unavailable” in the sense that even though his divorce has been over and done with years ago, his heart is still tied to her? Do I have to wait for him to come around and want to share, even if that time may never come?
This is something that is now weighing on my heart and mind quite a bit. Is there something I can do?
—Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I would like to tell you a story of two monks walking by a river. An older monk was accompanied by a younger monk whom he mentored. They belonged to an order that forbade contact with people outside their circle, especially females.
They came upon a woman who needed to cross the river but was unable to because recent rains had washed out a part of the path. The older monk lifted the woman on his back and carried her across the fast-moving water to the other side. She thanked him and he continued on his journey.
Several miles later the younger monk asked the older, “Master, you touched that woman which is forbidden in our order. Is it not a violation of our oath?” The older monk stopped and said, “What you say is true. It is forbidden. Yet I put her down many miles past while you continue to carry her.”
We all have choices in life. What happened to your man was unfortunate but it can't be undone. Continuing to be upset over it is his way of holding on to the past, but has it made his life better?
As long as he's still upset with her, she is in control of his thoughts and emotions. He's still “carrying her.” Is that what he wants?
He can continue to feel like a victim or he can take charge of his life and live it to the fullest. Letting him read my response would be the first step in accomplishing that.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net .
Watch Lucia's show, “The Art of Love,” on West Hollywood Public Access (channel 36) on Thursday, Oct. 12 at 10 p.m.
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