Blogs: The Art of Love [16.40 11/8/06]
: Q & A
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Dear Lucia, Two weeks ago I broke up with someone whom I was with for two months. I think I made every mistake a person can make – letting the relationship move too fast, seeing him almost every day and telling him I love him. When he would say, “In my country, women are this way” or "A Romanian woman would never do that,” I would tend to slip on what I would put up with. I would never have accepted his behavior from an American man. The first month was great, and of course the second month everything disintegrated. We go to the same grad school. How do I deal now with seeing him? I broke it off with him because he was chatting with women online in front of me. How do I restore my dignity? I’ve learned to stick to my standards regardless of where a person is from. —Elisabeth Dear Elisabeth, Realizing that you must stick to your standards is a lesson that everyone must eventually learn. Do you know why the people we are into never seem to be into us and vice versa? Because we behave differently (change our standards) with someone we really like. I know it’s hard to avoid doing this, but if you can, it will be well worth it. When we like someone a lot, we tend to not enforce our boundaries and will let them get away with things we normally wouldn’t allow with someone we weren’t that into. That was why you moved too fast, saw him every day and, ugh, told him you loved him. You need to read my article, “10 Things Never to Say to a Guy” (available on my Web site). The best way to handle the situation is to be polite and friendly (but not too friendly) when you run into him. If he should stop to chat, don’t bring up the past and if he brings it up say, “That’s ancient history” and change the subject. Dear Lucia, How should I handle the fact that my boyfriend of four-plus years e-mailed two women. I discovered this by being snoopy (my ex-husband cheated). I went into his e-mail and saw his dating profile. Then I discovered he contacted one woman in August of last year and the second one in November of last year. Now he tells me we should start considering getting married. How do I confront him? —Dale Dear Dale, Your situation is a perfect example of why snooping is not a good thing. Yes, I know you found e-mails but you have no idea if things went any further. I’ve met people online (who claimed to be single but were actually married or in a relationship), whom I then met in person but for one reason or another, nothing happened. Maybe he was having doubts about your relationship at that point and now he’s sure that you’re the one. However, since you were checking up on him, now you have to say something, because you can’t enter a marriage with this knowledge in the back of your mind. You’ll have to be honest, tell him what you did, why you did it, apologize for invading his privacy and of course, find out why he was contacting other women. If you are satisfied with his response and have learned your lesson about snooping, then you can proceed forward. If you’re not satisfied with his response, then don’t get married until you absolutely know that you can trust him because playing detective in your marriage won’t be fun for either one of you. REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens. Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net.
Article posted on 11/6/2006
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