I recently caught my boyfriend with another woman at a restaurant when he had said he was going to be home with his boys that evening. I went up to the table and he immediately got up and walked me to the door.
He asked what I was doing there. I asked what was going on and he said he was helping his friend through a difficult time. He then went back to the table.
I thought he was going to say goodbye to her, but instead he stayed there. I went back to the table and this time he escorted me outside. There was a scene by his car. I jumped in the passenger seat and he physically pulled me out.
I'm so embarrassed. What should I have done?
Finding out someone you're in a committed relationship with is being unfaithful can be devastating. You're caught up in a whirlwind of fears and emotions. How should you handle this situation? As usual, I have a rather unorthodox approach.
Have you ever seen the show “Cheaters?” I used to consider it a guilty pleasure until I realized it contained a wealth of knowledge for someone like me.
“Cheaters” follows a “suspect” when their partner thinks they may be cheating. After gathering enough videotaped evidence, the suspecting partner (cheatee), the host, a TV crew consisting of several cameras and a lot of security confront the cheater in the act. This can be at a bar, nightclub, restaurant, hotel room, parked car, etc.
After watching the show for many months, I began to notice a pattern. When confronted, one of three scenarios will usually take place. About 80 percent of the time, the cheater has the opposite reaction to that of their partner.
This means, if the cheatee is upset and emotional, making comments such as, “How could you?” “I gave you everything you wanted,” the cheater has an attitude, often gets angry and sometimes runs away. The person they've been cheating with usually had no idea they were involved in a triangle.
It also works in reverse, in that if the cheatee says, “That's it. It's over. I'm done” the cheater usually responds with, “I'm sorry. I love you. Let's work it out.”
The remaining 20 percent of the time, both parties agree – they either both want to stay together or they both say they're done.
From this pattern, I think it's easy to see that when confronting an unfaithful partner, you should remain as calm as possible. This is a lot easier to do if you don't actually catch them in the act, but find out when they're not around.
Resist the urge to immediately call them up and demand an explanation. Do not contact them until you have calmed down and have decided exactly what you're going to do. This can range from a day (wait a minimum of 24 hours) to a week or more.
I once found out through a third party that a guy I was seeing was cheating. This was the second time I had caught him, so while the emotional side of me didn't want to let go, intellectually, I knew it had to be over for good.
We had a disagreement the day before I found out, so we did not speak to each other for about 10 days. In that time, I walked around like a zombie, feeling very weak, not wanting to eat. I was grieving the loss of the relationship.
To be continued next week.
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net .