I became friends with a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend five months earlier. As our friendship grew I started having feelings for her.
She said she wasn’t ready because she’s still angry and in pain over her last relationship (her boyfriend cheated), so until she lets that go, she told me it will be unfair for her to be with me. She said I should give her some time.
What can I do to win over her heart and to make her forget the bad past she had in her last relationship? I really love this girl, and I don’t want to lose her.
Sincerely in love,
Derrick
Hi Derrick,
When someone says they are not ready to enter into a new relationship, they may either be telling the truth, or they may be saying that as an excuse because they are not interested. The only way to really know is time.
If you really love her as you say you do, then you have to give her the time she’s asking for. If she’s telling the truth, eventually things will move along.
If three or four months go by, and she’s still resistant to being more than just friends, then it probably means she’s not into you. I know it’s hard but be patient. Be her friend, and don’t try to push anything at this time.
Dear Lucia,
I dated my boyfriend for about five months. I tried to be a good and understanding girlfriend by giving as much space as needed because I desire space as well.
We didn’t spend New Year’s together because I figured he wanted to go out with his boys or whatever. It turns out he was angry at me for not calling him on New Year’s, and then he started to act kind of weird around me after that day.
I felt my presence wasn’t wanted around as much. I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, and when I tried to talk to him he would turn away. We went three days without seeing or speaking to each other.
I called him on the third day he said, “Hey, I was meaning to call you. I really wanted to talk to you; I think we should just be friends.” I was really shocked, angry and confused, so I said, “Yeah, me too,” but I didn’t mean it.
An hour later I text messaged him, saying I didn’t mean it, and if we could talk things over that this was childish, but he did not want to talk or anything. He did not return my call, and did not desire to even hang out with me.
How can he just do that out of the blue? He’s 21. I’m 19.
—Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Things are rarely “out of the blue.” What may seem that way to you has been building up for a while. This is why you were feeling that your “presence wasn’t wanted around as much.”
What I don’t understand is why you would assume your boyfriend wouldn’t want to be with you on New Year’s? Why not at least find out? I’d be angry, too.
You originally did the right thing and then backtracked. The rule is: Meet a dismissal with a dismissal.
Then – here’s the part you didn’t do – you calmly ask what prompted his decision. Use that language or something similar. Don’t use the word, “Why?” Listen to their explanation calmly, and try to understand where they are coming from.
If they are doing it as a manipulation because they feel hurt about something you did and want to get back at you, they will see their trick didn’t work when you calmly agree. If they really do want to be friends, then you have no choice but to go with the flow and see what happens.
At this point, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. Don’t contact him again.
The ball is in his court. I find that, more often than not, if you leave guys alone, they will get in touch again.
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