Do you think there is a chance that a newly divorced man of a 23-year marriage will come back to me after telling me he isn’t in love with me? We have been intimate for the past four months, and I feel I’m in love with him.
The chemistry between us is amazing, and we have so much fun together. He says he is still in love with his ex wife and that he needs to date other women instead of falling in love with the first one he goes out with – me. I’m sad.
—Sandy
Dear Sandy,
Sometimes, it’s not just about chemistry, it’s about timing. He just got out of a long marriage, doesn’t want to jump into another committed relationship and the biggest factor of all – he’s still in love with his ex wife.
Just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean your feelings for that person end at the same time. It would certainly be a lot easier for everyone involved if they did, but that’s just not how attraction works.
At least he was honest enough to tell you where he’s at in his head. He could have just led you on until he was ready to move on. When someone has just come out of a marriage that long, they need a long time to get over it.
My rule is: Don’t date a newly divorced man. Be friends at the most. Don’t jump into bed.
When he is ready to get back into the dating game, if you’ve built up a friendship and there is an attraction, then, you have a chance of having a romantic relationship.
At this point, you have no choice but to comply with his wishes. If he wants to keep in touch, great. If he doesn’t, contact him in a few months to say hello and see what happens from there.
Hello Lucia,
Your book, Lucia’s Lessons of Love, seems very interesting. What do you mean by the phrase, “Absence is to love as wind is to fire; It extinguishes the small and kindles the great.”
I would be glad if you could help me understand that. I wish you the best with your work.
—Katerina
Dear Katerina,
Imagine that you are camping and have managed to start a small fire. If a strong wind comes along at the point, there’s a good chance it will extinguish that fire.
However, let’s say you are smoking and don’t fully put out the cigarette. It starts a fire which becomes bigger and bigger.
By the time that same gust of wind comes by that would have put out a small fire, it can’t put out the bigger fire. Instead, it just helps the fire to spread.
This means that the phrase, “Absence is to love as wind is to fire…” is only true if there is already a strong attraction/relationship. Otherwise, absence will “put out” the fire of attraction.
Dear Lucia,
Recently you told a 21-year-old man that was having great sex with a 52-year-old woman to “do his thing.” If this were a 52-year-old man having “great sex” with a 21-year-old girl, would you be as encouraging to “do your thing,” or would you castigate the man for being a disgusting, old man taking advantage of a girl with severe daddy issues, young enough to be his daughter? Be honest.
—Peter
Dear Peter,
Older men have been having sex with much younger women for ages. If a 21-year-old girl wants to have sex with a 52-year-old man, that’s her business, and it’s not necessarily because she has “daddy issues.”
Dear Lucia,
As an avid reader and information researcher, I spend quite a bit of time perusing printed material. When I read your article, “How to be sane in an insane world,” I felt a strong desire to send you feedback on your extremely well summarized health/body/mind/spirit regime.
Of the dozens of health books that come out regularly, you’ve pretty much captured it all in a brief, yet elegant and powerful message. I hope more people will follow your rich advice.
Congratulations on a job very well done!
—Antoine
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live on the radio every Sunday at 3 p.m. on 1460AM or at www.ktym.com.
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