My boyfriend dumped me in December. There was a lot of crying and begging on my part, which of course made it worse.
We had not been in contact since Valentine’s Day when I recently e-mailed him and said I was going to the beach. He showed up!
There he was at the beach looking for me, but there was no smile and a hug. He said he didn’t know why he was there and was fine without me and didn’t miss me.
I cried a little (no sobbing) and said I still loved him and missed him. He said he missed me too, not minutes after saying he was fine without me.
So, what is he doing? He came looking for me at the beach to tell me he doesn’t miss me?
Then he asks me what I want to do (about us). I said, “Let’s just wait and see.”
I have not heard from him since, except in an e-mail. I responded with a phone call. He never returned the call.
I know my behavior scared him when he dumped me. But let’s face is it, he took my future and threw it away. Of course I was upset.
—Persian Cat
Dear Persian Cat,
As you’ve found out, unless someone is in love with you, crying and begging doesn’t work. He obviously wasn’t in love with you, or he wouldn’t have “dumped” you.
It’s amazing that most people’s reaction when someone breaks up with them is to do exactly what you did. Is that how you attracted him in the first place? Of course not! Then why would it attract him when he doesn’t want to see you anymore?
Relationships are not black and white, so there are always good times mixed in with the bad. I believe he missed certain things about you, and that’s why he was willing to come to the beach. After seeing you, he realized he didn’t want to get back together, that’s why he didn’t return your call.
You said your behavior scared him, but your last sentence scared me! If you really think that someone else has the power to take your future and throw it away, you will never be at peace in a relationship. You will subconsciously be on pins and needles, because you believe you do not control your future.
No one can take your future away. People only have the power you give them. When you understand that you and only you are responsible for your life, your relationships will begin to improve.
Hello Lucia!
I am 32-years-old, and eight months ago I met a 40-year-old man, and we started dating. After two dates we became a couple.
I noticed that he was angry when I didn’t kiss him the first time he tried to kiss me, but I was shy. One day he wanted to make love for the first time, and I didn’t want to because I wasn’t ready. He got a little bit angry.
When we were together I was afraid of letting my feelings show because I felt the same thing from him. Eventually we began to fight every few days over small things.
After five months we had a fight over a misunderstanding, and I told him not to call me back. He said, “Bye forever.”
Two weeks later he contacted me again, saying he missed me and wanted to try again. We’ve been back together for 10 days, but I don’t want to be in pain again.
I am thinking that maybe he’s using me, or maybe he didn’t find another girl while we were apart, so he came back to me. I feel stressed inside, sometimes thinking he doesn’t deserve me. What do you think?
—Katerina
Dear Katerina,
Your body is trying to give you a message, and I hope you will listen. Stressed is not how you should be feeling.
Relationships should make your life better, not worse. You should be happier as a result of having someone in your life, not sadder.
You should feel lucky to be with that person, yet you are thinking he doesn’t deserve you. This is not a great foundation for a long-term relationship. It’s time to move on.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live on the radio every Sunday at 3 p.m. on 1460AM or at www.ktym.com.
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