In your response to your column, “He Pulled Away So I Broke Up With Him,” you said, “It’s wrong to ask for more time because that is the equivalent of begging.”
I completely disagree and had to say so. I’m happily married and have some valid input.
First of all, telling someone that something they did is wrong seems wrong to me.
But, communicating your needs to someone (communicating in general) is far from wrong: it’s important, and should be respected – respected as opposed to being called a beggar.
It is also being respectful to yourself and honoring your feelings.
I really hate that you told this girl (or the audience) that this makes her a “beggar.”
If you listened to talk radio in the ’90s, you may be familiar with Dr. Toni. She is a renowned clinical psychologist, media psychology pioneer and best-selling author of Being a Woman.
Her radio show was where I first heard her say, “A woman shouldn’t have to beg for time.” I totally agree.
I’ve had men climbing trees to get to me because I hadn’t spoken to them in 10 days, flying across the country just to see me for five and a half hours (and no, it wasn’t for sex) and sob hysterically when I told them I had moved on. They certainly didn’t behave this way because I expressed my feelings.
Just like all truths do not need to be expressed, not all feelings need to be expressed either. That’s just misguided advice from the last century. Until a guy cares about you, he doesn’t care about your feelings.
Asking for more time is not the most effective way to get more time. That is why love is an art. You need to know when to speak up and when to shut up.
A guy I know that’s been dating a girl for almost a year finds out she cheated on him more than once and does certain things that he doesn’t approve of. They break up for two days but then get back together. What’s up with that?
Those two days he constantly called me and always hung out with me, but I didn’t pursue him or try to lure him away because I knew it would be wrong. People are silly.
The question is not, “What’s up with that,” but “What’s up with you that you would be interested in someone like that?” You were obviously hoping that he would see the light, end the other relationship permanently and start one with you.
Why would you want someone that is willing to put up with being cheated on several times and tolerates a woman that behaves in a way he doesn’t approve of? He may look appealing now, but eventually you would be turned off by a guy that behaves like a doormat.
He is addicted to and emotionally attached to her. That’s probably why she feels free to treat him badly. She knows he’s not going anywhere. Leave him alone to figure this out on his own, and find a guy that is not just a male, but also a man.
I am fortunate that I don’t have a problem meeting girls or getting dates. However, I have noticed that after I’ve dated someone exclusively for a couple months, I start to find things I don’t like about the person or reasons to end the relationship. I feel like it’s me looking for a way out of being in a relationship. Have you heard of other people having this issue/problem?
Yes, it’s called being a commitment-phobe. No one is perfect, and we can always find reasons to break up with someone if we want to. You didn’t say how old you are, but you are obviously at the point where you realize this is a problem. If you ever want to have a long term, committed relationship, then I’d like to suggest therapy in order to explore why you are so reluctant to make a commitment.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
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