I’ve been dating a man for 11 months. He told me he had broken off his engagement three years ago, and since then he just had girlfriends and one he saw once a month. I was in the middle of a separation from the father of my kids and told him so.
As the relationship evolved we fell more in love, went on vacations together, introduced our families, friends, etc. Finally I moved in at the beginning of September.
That’s when I “discovered” an e-mail from a woman he had been in a relationship with for three years (among other sleepover friends) and understood he was in the process of breaking up with her and not answering the others.
I decided to call the long-term one and discovered how horrible he was to her and how he hadn’t even given her a reason for breaking up. He just made himself unavailable.
I decided to move out because I prefer honesty and openness in a relationship. I could hardly believe he was two-timing me with a long-term girlfriend.
He and his family told me it was because he hadn’t made his decision yet, but he chose me in the end and that I shouldn’t listen to rumors. He’s still pursuing me and says he loves me and wants to get back together.
What do you think of this? Is it really possible for a grown man (52) not to know whom he loves and what he wants?
I figure he should have made that decision a long time ago and started cleaning his closets when we started talking about moving in together. Why would he hide a three-year-long relationship from me if he were serious about commitment?
—Mary Jane
Dear Mary Jane,
Congratulations on doing the right thing! This man may be 52, but he is still, unfortunately, immature.
When someone is in love and is serious about a commitment, they are only too happy to get rid of other entanglements. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. Even if it’s true that he was in the process of breaking up with her, the manner in which he chose to go about it does not speak very highly of him.
You sound like a classy, intelligent lady. He doesn’t deserve you. Hold out for someone who does.
Dear Lucia,
My boyfriend is the type that is unhappy with me and without me. After he breaks up with me and sees that I have moved on, he will regret it and will come running back, saying he loves me.
He has broken up with me four times, and each time, I’ve taken him back. Every time he breaks up with me I go through all the pain again.
Right now we are separated, but he is still living with me because our financial life is also very mixed. He owes me money, and the car he drives is in my name.
I don’t want him here, but financially, we don’t have another option. He will have to stay at least another month.
I know I made mistakes in the past, and I am ready to move on. I have put my life on hold for almost a year trying to give my love life a chance for something I felt was really special. How do I get over him if I have to see him every day? I am ready to start my new life, but it’s so hard for me to see him.
—Lauriane
Dear Lauriane,
It’s hard enough to get over someone we don’t see anymore, so I can only imagine what it’s like to have to see the person every day. The best you can do in this situation is to see him as little as possible.
Try not to be home when he is there. Stay with friends whenever possible.
In the meantime, make sure he really will be leaving in a month. If he doesn’t pay you the money he owes you, luckily, you can take the car, sell it and get your money back.
I also suggest you try some short-term therapy. You need to figure out why you are willing to keep going back to someone who constantly breaks up with you. It sounds like you have some self-esteem issues.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
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