I have been seeing this guy who has been married/divorced twice that does a lot of weird things. I am 33, and he is 39.
He has asked me out on a date two times; the first time he called and cancelled because he was sick. The second time he never even called to cancel, and didn’t even answer my phone calls so I could find out what happened.
He has this routine of calling me two to three days after he stands me up and apologizes because he says he was tired. He also says he is nervous around me because he likes me.
When I am with him, we are always drinking and he constantly showers me with compliments on how sexy, smart, beautiful and fun I am. He’s already said he is going to make me his third wife and that he wants me to give him a son.
I screwed up and called him wasted last night and told him off – calling him a jerk and asking him what his problem is. I am really attracted to him.
He is extremely hot, has a great personality and is a lot of fun when I am around him. What is up with this guy?
—Carly
Dear Carly,
At first I thought this e-mail was a joke. I wondered if anyone could really be that blind and unfortunately, the answer is … yes!
What is up with this guy? No, the question is: What is up with you? What happened to you that you think so little of yourself that you are willing to put up with someone who constantly stands you up?
I don’t know what your idea of fun is, but dating someone who has so little respect for me is not my idea of fun. I can understand a girl in her early 20s disregarding all the red flags just because the guy is “extremely hot,” but by your early 30s, you really should know better.
Telling him off was the only right thing you’ve done, and yet you’re afraid you screwed up. You’ve got everything backwards.
The reason you are so into him is because you’re just as messed up as he is. Until you grow up and get some self-respect and self-esteem, you will continue to be attracted to losers.
Only losers want to be with other losers. If you continue to see him, that is what will continue to be. If you finally wake up and start acting like a winner, you will be on your way to being one.
As always, the choice is yours.
Hello Lucia,
I would like to thank you for your accurate and correct analysis of my relationship in your last column. You’re right. I am a classy and intelligent woman, and I deserve more than a seductive manipulator.
The problem in this scenario is that I am also honest and tolerant. I was weakened in my reactions toward this handsome, successful, powerful man because he had everything I was looking for on the outside.
I don’t think I ever loved anyone so much and so strongly before. My emotions and desire took the lead over the way I would normally act or react in other life situations, had I been confronted with the same type of manipulation.
I regret having ever walked that walk and especially in believing that with me it would be different, that I would change him. I can’t help but make the correlation with the brainwashing, psychological devices used in domestic violence and kidnapping (Stockholm syndrome) whereby the victim continues to make excuses for the perpetuator of wrongdoing.
I was saved from a torturous existence and unhappy life for my children because I finally realized I was trying to make a wrong a right against all odds. That’s when I set the limits and got out.
Many friends and family members helped me see the light, as did your answer and Web site. I truly wish you will use this information and speak about the issue of manipulation in order to awaken consciousnesses of this reality.
After having gone down the road as a victim of a bad relationship, I can only hope that open, broad communication will serve as a beneficial influence on others in similar situations. Bravo for your Web site. It’s a saver and a saviour!
—Mary Jane
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
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