Hello Lucia,

I am a 48-year-old man and met a 46-year-old woman online a few months ago. We see each other one night a week and call and text every day and do some e-mails.

She has been separated for three years and is working on a divorce. She lives alone and the ex has the two sons – 16 and 20. She works full time and some Sat/Sun nights at another job, so her time is limited.

She sounded like she wanted a relationship originally and tells me “just go with the flow” for now. It hurts me to think if she does any other dating.

She said that she would do so when she has the time, which is rare. I know we just met, but I want her all to myself.

I tell her I am not with anyone else. I tell her these things freely because as I have said to her, I do not want to play these games of not being too available for someone so as to get them to chase me.

I want more time with her, but who am I to complain that I don’t have more? I get very anxious – my heart was pounding the last couple of days from anxiety when I thought she could have been out with someone else.

Please help. I have not had a relationship in years. How can I get that commitment from her and get her to fall in love?


Dear Wade,

I understand you don’t want to “play games” but being desperate is not going to get you anywhere either, and that is exactly what you are. If I can pick it up from your e-mail, she can certainly pick it up from being with you.

Everyone wants a strong partner. You are probably doing and saying things that would make her think you aren’t strong, and this will slowly kill her interest.

The fact that she told you to go with the flow means that she feels you are pressuring her. You need to slow down and accept the level of commitment she’s willing to give you at this point. She has a lot on her plate, and you should be trying to make her life easier, not harder.

I understand you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but by pushing for something before she is ready to give it, you will actually be pushing her away. Don’t be so focused on her or the outcome.

Try to date other women, even though I know you don’t want to. When she sees that you are making her life better and are not pushing for exclusivity, is when you are most likely to get it.

Dear Lucia,

I have worked with a man for the past four years. I’ve liked him for the past year. He has known I liked him for the past five months. During that time, we have gone out several times, usually in groups but more recently just the two of us.

Recently I left my job but he still works there. We talk about once a week and go out about once a month.

I usually ask him out, and he usually says yes. We always meet somewhere, he pays and is very gentlemanly toward me. He cares for his elderly mother and has done so since his father passed away 30 years ago.

Why doesn’t he initiate the calls? Do you think there is a chance this can go anywhere? Should I continue to pursue him?

From what I hear from his friends, he has never really had a girlfriend and has never been married. He is NOT gay.


Hi Kate,

You didn’t say how old he is, but since his father passed away 30 years ago, I’m going to assume he’s at least 30. I understand him wanting to take care of his mother, but forsaking any romantic relationships along the way tells me he’s probably a mama’s boy.

If this is the case, she will always come first. Is that the type of relationship you want to be in?

Should you stop pursuing? You should never have been pursuing in the first place.

If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball when you drop it and call you. If he doesn’t, then you haven’t lost anything.

Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.

Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.

Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.