My “fiancé” and I met about a year ago. The first three months we dated, he showed me a lot of respect, in every possible way.
His plans were to get to know each other, date, move in together and soon after that, get married. Since I’ve known him his biggest dream is to get married and have a big family with me.
At that time, I had family problems, and I needed to move out. He offered to help, so he got me an apartment.
It was no ordinary apartment – it was a luxury apartment. He even furnished it, paid the rent and gave me a weekly allowance. He said he didn’t want me working at all.
The first three months in the new apartment were great. I had my own place, and he had his.
I was living a good life, going out and partying. I hung out at bars or with friends because he was hardly ever around.
One day, I suddenly realized that this wasn’t what I wanted, that I was only going out because he was always working. I began to notice a pattern: He was never around on the weekends. I would confront him all the time, but he always gave me lame excuses like, “I took a pill, and it knocked me out.”
Every Monday, without exception, he starts calling me. When he is at his house, he doesn’t answer my calls. When I had the apartment, he only stayed over two or three times within six months.
The next three months, I became even more suspicious. I tried to talk to him, and he always gave me the same answer – that he is not married.
I decided to move out and back with my family. The holidays were coming, and I knew that he wasn’t going to spend them with me.
We are supposed to move in together in the next few months, when we are supposedly “engaged.” I’ve never been to his house. I know where he lives, but I’ve never been invited over – and what’s more confusing, I don’t know his family.
I have his home number because I found it on the Internet, but he has never given it to me. We only go out on my side of town, not his.
Could I be so blind? I mean, he is not a bad person: he’s very religious and conservative. He doesn’t drink or party, and he is a boring person.
I’m almost ready to move on. I just want to know the truth, but I don’t want to stalk him. That is not me.
—Caryn
Dear Caryn,
Wow. You’re almost ready to move on?
How many red flags do you need before you’re willing to see that he’s married or living with someone? What does a red flag have to do? Chase you down and hit you over the head?
When a person’s words are the opposite of their actions, ignore everything they say and only look at what they do. So, let’s review:
He didn’t give you his home number.
You’ve never been to his home.
He’s never around on weekends.
You’ve never met his family.
He’s only slept over two to three times.
He didn’t spend the holidays with you.
Do I need to go on? I guess he’s not a bad person, if you don’t consider cheating and lying bad.
And exactly which religion condones infidelity? Don’t be fooled. A lot of conservative, boring people who don’t drink or party have no problem being unfaithful.
So, now you know the truth. Asking him why he lied to you will only lead to more lies.
There is nothing here for you. Learn your lesson and don’t look back.
Dear Lucia,
Do you think that women who are looking for a husband and a father have different standards in their dating partners? I would never go on a date with someone I could not see as potentially having my child.
—Chris
Dear Chris,
If they don’t, they should. When women want to get married and have children, they need to find someone who has their act together – mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
If they did maintain different dating standards, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.bbstalkradio.com.
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