Two years ago I met a guy. I thought I had found my soul mate, and the love he expressed for me left me in no doubt he felt the same way.
After six months, we moved in together. We had amazing times, as well as bad times, like any couple. After about a year, our relationship started to fall apart.
He lost his job, and as our lifestyles diverged, it became harder and harder not to argue about every little thing. We decided to move apart after our one-year lease expired.
The relationship survived for a few more months, but we saw less and less of each other. Finally, last New Year’s Eve, we had a massive argument, and he told me for the first time that he thought we had no future together.
Two days later, he left a package at my door with all the photos he’s taken of me, as well as a ‘sorry’ postcard. Since then there’s been nothing, aside from a couple of short “Are you alright?” e-mails, which I ignored.
While I am totally determined to get over the whole thing and live my own life, I find it harder and harder with every passing day. I can’t stop thinking about him, and any contact with random men only serves to remind me how special he was and what a beautiful connection we had together.
Should I let him know how I feel, despite the fact that the door has clearly been shown?
—O.
Dear O,
I feel for you. The end of a relationship is like going through drug withdrawal. It may take you up to a year to fully get over him.
Your story is one of the reasons I tell people not to move in together, and especially not after six months. You are basing your decision on feelings rather than facts.
You didn’t know him well enough at that point to decide whether you were a good match. Chemistry cannot make up for a lack of commitment or compatibility.
When you’ve truly made a commitment to another person, you deal with problems as they come up. Otherwise, you are just seeing how it goes, and if it doesn’t feel good, you leave. That’s why marriage is a commitment, and living together is a convenience.
Why would you want to tell him how you feel? What do you think that will do? I’m sure he knows you’re hurt.
His act of leaving the photos at your door was an act of hostility. Why did he have to do that?
The only thing you can do at this point is learn your lessons and move on. If seeing other men just makes you think about him, then don’t date for a while. Get back to the life you had before you met him.
I would also suggest that you do things for other people. When we are suffering, it’s because we are “me” focused. By getting outside yourself and helping others, you will feel good and also temporarily forget about your current state of mind.
Hi Lucia,
There is this really nice guy who was courting me, and I was really shocked to find out that I could be treated so nice. I guess I put him off by my insecurities and fear, plus he needed time to sort out his feelings for his ex of two years.
Last week he decided he wanted to move on as a single guy. I was really happy but now he’s not frequent with communication like he was before, and I just realized I like him a lot.
Should I swallow my pride and initiate things, even though I believe he should be the one doing it or do I just forget him?
—Emma
Hi Emma,
It sounds to me like he is still getting over his ex, even though he has said he has decided to move on. Even if he’s not calling as much, he’s still calling.
Make your calls and encounters as pleasant as possible. Compliment him and tell him you appreciate him. Don’t complain about the slowdown in communication.
People are drawn to what makes them feel good. If he feels good when he’s with you, he will eventually want to see more of you.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
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