Dear Lucia,

Thank you for your column. You really have kept me on track, and I appreciate your advice.

I have been dating an individual for several months who informed me that he has many female friends. I asked if he is intimate with them, and he said no, only me. I am not a jealous person and don’t have a problem with friends, male or female.

He was out of town and asked that I stay at his place to babysit his dog. The first night I was looking through his cabinets for something and found a card. I read it, and it was very disturbing.

It was a Valentine’s card from a girl about a passionate evening they spent together on Nov. 6. It said: “a night I will always treasure, I am captivated with the man I have become so fond of. You gave me something every girl would dream of, an evening as a princess ... I fantasize about you, long for you to make love to me in the morning.”

This girl poured her heart out. The card is heartbreaking for me because he treats me the same way.

I have not said anything about the card yet. I asked him who Dana is (signature on the card). He asked how I knew about her. I told him it doesn’t matter.

He said it is an old girlfriend from 2 1/2 years ago. He broke off the relationship because he wasn’t in love.

He said she was devastated but has had many boyfriends since. She still has strong feelings for him, and he is staying in contact with her, even though it is infrequent.

I told him that I believe he may be a player and is using me, that I don’t want to be on anyone’s list and I am no longer sleeping with him. He swore he has not slept with anyone since he has slept with me. He said he couldn’t believe I would say this about him.

I am confused with this relationship. I haven’t told him how deeply I feel for him because I feel like it will only feed his ego.

He says he doesn’t feel the same way about his other female companions as he does about me. Am I possessive because I question myself why he would want to spend time with other women instead of me?

Part of me doesn’t care if I discuss anything and just say screw it and walk away. Yet it is very upsetting to think that he has been so passionate and intimate with someone else.

He has always been very nice to me, and appeared respectful. I believed him.


Dear Alexis,

The fact that she was referencing a night in November tells me that that is probably the last time they slept together. Otherwise, if they had been together recently, why would she be talking about an incident in the past?

Also, it’s actually a good sign that the card was a Valentine’s Day card. She was sending it for a specific occasion, as opposed to just sending it out of the blue.

Friends are important. Some people just get along better with members of the opposite sex.

I have a lot of male friends, but I’m not sleeping with any of them. He shouldn’t stop seeing his friends just because you’re now in the picture.

Have you met any of them? Has he mentioned introducing you to them? Does he say that he was talking about you to his friends? These are all positive signs.

At this point, it’s difficult to tell if he’s a player and/or if he’s sleeping with any of his friends. Was the agreement that you two would be sexually exclusive?

If you don’t want to sleep with him at the moment, that’s fine. If he is still interested in seeing you and treats you the same as when you were sleeping together, that is a good sign.

If you decide to start sleeping with him again, ask for sexual exclusivity. If he agrees, then you need to trust him until he proves he can’t be trusted. Otherwise, you will end up losing him not to someone else, but by your own hand.

Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.

Write to Lucia at

Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at

Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on