My neighbor and I were friends for a year before we started seeing sparks for each other. He had an affair before his ex-wife filed for divorce in December of 2005, which was official in November of 2006. Since then, he has dated me and others. He has two children, 10 and 14.
I don’t think he is over his ex-wife, but now she’s remarried, and it’s unlikely she would ever give him another chance. Even though he doesn’t admit it, I think he’s in a state of denial and shock about his relationship with her.
He has had a really difficult time moving on. It is really hard to gauge his intentions, but he’s incredibly sweet to me all the time. We have such an unlikely strong connection, and I don’t understand what is going on in his head. Weird as it is, I have grown up with him in my life and am in bliss to be a part of his life, even as a friend.
What should I do? Will he ever get over it?
—Susie
Dear Susie,
As you know, time heals all wounds. You didn’t say how long they were married, but since his oldest child is 14, I’m going to assume it was at least 15 years.
The general rule is that for every year you are together with someone, it takes two months to get over them. So, 15 years would take approximately two and a half years (30 months).
Luckily, you were friends first, which is always a good foundation for a relationship. What should you do? All you can do is what you would normally do when you are dating someone – be fun, playful, sweet, sexy and nurturing.
My one concern is that he had an affair. You need to find out why and if he has learned anything from that. What are the chances he will do it again?
He will eventually get over his ex-wife in his own time. Pushing him to get over it isn’t going to help. Continue to see other guys until he says he wants a relationship.
Dear Lucia,
You responded to my e-mail about my boyfriend of two years who gets angry when he drives. I wrote to you after having a fight about him not carrying my bag – he surprised me by saying that he was astonished to hear that I don’t think he is gentlemanly!
My feelings towards him quickly and completely dried out. I told him his behavior is not acceptable for me, I am not happy and that I want to break up with him.
After this incident he’s trying so hard to win me back. He says he can be and wants to be a better man for me and that I inspire him to do so. He stopped being angry in the car (at least on the surface), started carrying my bags and walking at my pace – but something just died inside me.
I keep telling him that we are not right for each other and that I don’t see the future with him, but he doesn’t listen. He suggested couples therapy, but I don’t have a strong motive to keep this relationship – except that I am scared to death sometimes to be alone and start all over again with somebody else. I am not getting any younger and wonder where and when I can find my soul mate ... and if there is such thing as perfect relationship.
I realized I should tell him I made a decision to move on. It’s been a really difficult month, but I feel much better now. I really appreciate your help.
—Cammie
Dear Cammie,
I’m glad you’ve decided to take my advice and move on. It’s better to be alone than with someone who isn’t going to treat you right.
There are no perfect relationships. Instead of being concerned with finding your soul mate, find someone who loves, respects and adores you.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
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