I am involved with a woman who blows up and nitpicks at me about everything. She does not want me to touch her – no sex, kissing, hugging or let alone sleeping in the same bed.
She tells me that she loves me, but I don’t know what to do when she is like this. She beats down my confidence. It feels like I am walking on eggshells.
—Joe
Dear Joe,
Love is a verb. It doesn’t matter how often someone says they love you if they don’t show it in their actions.
She is withholding sex, being verbally and emotionally abusive and you have to tiptoe around her. Gee, sounds like a match made in heaven!
Why is she behaving this way? Part of the reason is because she knows she can, and she’s right, because you’re still there putting up with it. If she was dating someone who she knew would never put up with that behavior, unless she has mental health issues, she probably would not behave that way.
You need to be a man and tell her you will no longer put up with her abusive behavior. Inform her that you will not see her anymore until she either adjusts her attitude or gets counseling.
In the meantime, start dating women who treat you well and appreciate you.
Dear Lucia,
I was cheated on for the first time. I went against my own morals and got back with him afterwards.
Now, everyday, I sit and wonder why and I am depressed. In a way I want to leave, but in a way I don’t.
I don’t trust him, but I love him, I guess? I really just want to move on, and I want you to tell me how so I can get over this and him.
—Erin
Dear Erin,
We’ve all walked in your shoes. Some chose to keep them, some chose to get new shoes.
I wish I had more details, so I will have to give you a general answer.
What was the reason he cheated? Is it because he wasn’t happy with your sex life or was he just being selfish? Has he said he’s sorry and that he won’t do it again?
Trust can only be rebuilt slowly – you can’t expect to trust him 100 percent right away. If this means you have to question him about things sometimes, he has to understand this is the price he has to pay for continuing to be in your life. If he doesn’t accept that, then there’s no need to stick around.
However, if you are certain that you want to move on, then the only way to do it is to make other people and things a priority in your life. Do the things you were doing before you met him that you may have let go of because you were spending time with him. Re-connect with people you haven’t talked to or seen in a while.
Finally, instead of focusing on being a victim, focus on reaching out and helping other people. You’d be surprised how good it can feel to think about other people at a time like this.
Hi Lucia,
I have been dating a woman for six months. I get jealous over her keeping slight phone contact with a couple of past boyfriends.
How should I deal with this?
—Wade
Dear Wade,
You either accept it or stop seeing her. Really.
People generally have an ex or three that they keep in touch with, especially if it was a long-term relationship. Slight phone contact is minor.
Unless she’s given you a reason to believe there may be something going on, this is more a question of your own insecurity. All you can do is be the best date/boyfriend you can be, and if that isn’t enough for her, there’s nothing you can do!
Hi Lucia,
I’m a pretty even keeled guy, but when I read your reply to Cammie, I thought, “Wow!” I don’t like to drive, and have been hit twice while stopped.
I tend to get upset when people make dangerous moves around me. I never realized the link between that and abuse, and how that might affect somebody I date. Thanks for pointing that out.
—MJ
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.bbstalkradio.com.
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