I am a girl and, yes, I was dating a girl. She was amazing, and I loved her so much.
She left me for my ex friend, and I’m hurt. She says she still loves me, but it doesn’t seem like she wants me back. And I need her!
I want to do everything to get her back!! I’m lost without her. My heart is so broken.
Every time I’m with someone else, I always see her. All I think about is her. It hurts so much.
The girl she’s with now isn’t right for her! I know she’s not. I want to find a way to break them up.
I know that’s mean, but I need her more than ever. And they’ve only been dating a week.
—Lost without Her
Please tell me you’re under 21! I’m going to assume you are. Your letter has the typical attitude of someone your age (or maturity level).
It’s only been a week. I’d like to tell you to calm down, but I know melodrama is part of being young.
Your body is awash in hormones and chemicals that make you think this girl is the only one for you, and you can’t live without her. You may believe that with all your (broken) heart, but it’s not true!
You’ve put her on a pedestal; she has become your “Goddess,” you’re bowing to her, and ... you’re miserable.
If she is with someone else at the moment, there is nothing you can do. Maybe she’ll be back, and maybe she won’t.
What’s important is for you to know that you can and will live without her. This experience will make you stronger and more mature. This may not be the answer you want to hear, but it’s the answer you need to hear!
I wrote previously about breaking up with a guy (I didn’t want to hurt) who was a friend/dating situation for about three months. I finally had a talk with him – over the phone – and told him I needed to take a long break from him.
I explained he was a good person at heart but his drinking had become worse and he was an angry drunk, something I couldn’t be around. I asked him if anyone had ever told him this and he said “no,” this was the first time hearing this. He was silent and tense on the phone but said OK.
Meanwhile, I’ve found out that he’s been in court-ordered anger management and went to jail for a bar fight with cops. I wish I’d gotten him out of my life sooner.
Even my social group was fooled by him in the beginning. I was unusually depressed about my life (dating), but now I’m good.
He never hurt me and did some nice favors – I just couldn’t stand being around him and his anger anymore. He always found ways to keep coming over – bringing stuff or leaving things.
How do I stop beating myself up for being stupid and overly nice?
You’ve heard the nursery rhyme: “What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice?” Women are socialized to be “nice;” otherwise, they’re made to feel as if they are bitches.
This stems from ancient times when women relied on men for survival, so they had to be “nice” or they would not be taken care of. Luckily, this is the 21st century and, for the most part, women no longer depend on anyone but themselves for survival.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You were simply behaving as women have been conditioned to behave. Now you understand nice is not always the best policy.
You need to listen to your body. It will tell you how it feels. If you feel uncomfortable around anyone, for any reason, your intuition is trying to tell you something. In the future, listen to it!
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.bbstalkradio.com.