: Q & A

Dear Sam,

You may be mistaking one’s initial caution and conservativeness when meeting someone new with dishonesty.

Contrary to popular opinion, the first few dates are not about discussing exes. They’re about having fun and keeping things light. Discussing your “suspicions” makes you sound paranoid, which is never a good way to start off a potential relationship.

Let people make disclosures when they are comfortable. If you later find out they lied about something major (like having a child or living with an ex), then you can decide whether you want to either discuss the fact that they lied/withheld information or you can just move on.

Dear Lucia,

I am a 44-year-old woman who has been dating a 25-year-old man for four months. My friend and I spend time together but mostly inside.

He has never invited me when he hangs out with his friends, goes to parties and other networking events. We get along in every other way, both sexually and intellectually.

I am concerned that this is turning into a sexual relationship. When I tell him we should just be friends, he pleads with me and says that he does not want to be friends, yet does not want to be tied down.

This confuses me since as friends he would have the freedom he so desires and he and I could hang out from time to time. He prefers that I stay at home and be available for him.

How do I turn this around?

—Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,

How do you turn around someone who just wants you as a booty call and does not want to go out with you? You don’t.

This set up works perfectly for him. You’re there when he wants to do you, and the rest of the time he does what he wants.

Obviously, this does not work as well for you, or you wouldn’t have written to me. I don’t know how you met or what your original agreement was. If it was understood that it would be just about sex, then you need to accept that he doesn’t want to change the status quo.

If the agreement was otherwise, then at some point you let him slack off and he turned it into just a sexual relationship. Of course he pleaded with you when you said you just wanted to be friends. He doesn’t want to give up the sex.

How can you avoid this in the future? Do not jump into bed with someone you’ve just met.

Make sure they are willing to take you out and spend time with you outside the bedroom. Someone who is simply looking for a booty call will be reluctant to do this, consider it “TMW” (too much work) and move on. It’s a win-win for both of you.

If someone does begin with taking you out, but then tries to change it by only wanting to see you late at night, turn down his request. If he continually tries to come over and doesn’t suggest going out, you can again turn down his request and say you want to go out. Again, if he’s just looking for a booty call, he will eventually move on.

You now need to ask yourself if you are willing to continue with things as they are – knowing that he will probably never want to go out – or if you are willing to end it in order to find someone who is on the same page.

Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.

Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.

Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.

Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.bbstalkradio.com