He was good to my kids and to me. I never had to pay for anything, and he drove two hours just to see me on the weekends.
Three days ago after he left, we were talking online and got into a fight. He was saying I needed to improve on my lovemaking skills. He said he would show me more things.
I shot back at him that he was small the first few times anyway, and he said it was because I didn’t do enough to get him excited, and it made me mad, like I was the only one who needed to improve.
Later, after crying and drinking, I wrote him that I loved him. He told me he didn’t love me but that he “cared for me a lot.”
We’ve been together over a month, and I’ve cooked for him, we’ve gone out, [he] played with my kids, [we] cuddled and fell asleep together every time he was here. I thought after doing all that, by now those feelings should be mutual?
Before this happened we talked on the phone every night for four hours, and lately when we IM each other he’s very short and to the point with me. I just don’t know what happened. I went from feeling like I was so happy and floating on air with this guy to sad and depressed and unsure of how to get things back to the way they were.
It really bothers me because this guy is educated and a gentleman – like nothing I’ve ever had before. The whole thing was so perfect, and I really put myself out there. How do I save this relationship?
—Amber
Dear Amber,
The problem here is that you are 21 and therefore, immature. My answer is not going to all of a sudden make you mature, but hopefully, it will plant a seed.
The key to men is to remember that they are constantly looking at situations as: Am I winning, am I not winning? When men feel as if they are not winning, they withdraw. That’s why he isn’t communicating with you as much as he was before.
Never, ever criticize a guy for his sexual skills. So much of his identity and ego is tied into his sexuality, that it will always be a no win situation.
You are only 21, so he probably doesn’t expect you to be a dynamo in bed at this point. If he wants to show you some things, he’s doing you a favor. Some guys would just leave.
In order to save this relationship, you need to slow down and stop trying to rush things. If and when he is ready to say he loves you, he will.
Dear Lucia,
I was dating this guy from October until December. He had been involved with another girl prior to me.
They split up last spring sometime. She got herself in trouble and ended up in jail from August to December.
The closer it got to her release date, she started calling my guy. I could tell he still had feelings for her, so I told him he had to follow his heart, which he did.
Now, five months later, they are no longer together. He’s calling me. I still have feelings for him.
I don’t want to feel like second best, but I can understand him still having feelings for this other girl. I knew he needed to figure this out for himself.
I don’t want my pride to stand in the way. What should I do?
—Carmen
Dear Carmen,
You did the right thing. If someone is not over someone from the past, it will eventually become an issue. Now that he’s gotten her out of his system, you probably won’t have to worry about her anymore.
It’s not about you being second best. The fact is that she was there before you, so, in a sense, she had “seniority.”
Don’t let your ego get in the way. He did come back after all, didn’t he? Follow your feelings and see him again.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.bbstalkradio.com.
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