I asked him if they talked about marriage when they were together. He got real mad and said that the answer is just going to make me mad, and I should stop worrying about their friendship. Should I?
When she comes over he doesn’t talk to me or act like he’s even with me even though she knows we are together. What is that about?
—Julia
Dear Julia,
Asking if someone discussed marriage with a previous partner is not out of line. When you ask someone an innocent question and they get defensive, it usually means they have something to hide so they are trying to get you to stop asking questions.
Should you worry about their “friendship?” Hell yeah!
He doesn’t talk to you or act as if he’s with you when she’s around? That means he cares more about her feelings than yours.
You have to ask yourself: Is this acceptable to me? Is this how I want a boyfriend to behave? If not, move on.
The writing is on the wall. I hope you can see it.
Dear Lucia,
What do you suggest for how to talk to women? I once was involved with what is called “The Pick Up Artist” community, but a lot of it felt too fake for me.
They talked about always asking women for their opinion on something, that you may not actually care about, and not letting them know you’re attracted to them since it gives women too much power over the men. They say that’s especially true with attractive women, since they probably get told they’re beautiful hundreds of times a day.
Seeing as how you’re an attractive woman, what are your thoughts on all this? Is it best to go up to a woman and just say: “Hi. I wanted to let you know you’re extremely attractive. What’s your name?” Or something else?
—Jackie
Dear Jackie,
When a guy approaches a woman, most of the time she will assume he’s interested, no matter what he says or doesn’t say. The fact that he’s speaking to her lets her know he’s probably attracted to her. There’s no way to avoid “giving her the power” at that point.
Approaching women is about being in the moment. There is no “pick up line” which will work every time, with every woman. You have to observe the situation and comment appropriately.
If you’re waiting in line to order at a café, and the woman in front of you orders a club sandwich, you can say, “Do you know if the club sandwiches here are good?”
One time a guy was walking by who looked like Alex Rodriguez (the baseball player). I smiled at him, and he smiled back. I told him he looked like A.R., and the conversation continued from there.
You’re right about not commenting on how a woman looks when you first meet her, but not for the reason you gave. Attractive women are used to getting compliments; in fact, they expect them.
If you tell a woman you’ve just met that she’s beautiful, the dialogue cloud above her head is thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know.” She already knows she’s hot.
How do you think she got that way? Do you think she just rolled out of bed like that? Since most guys behave that way, you’ll fall into the category of average and won’t stand out from everyone else.
Instead, you want to tease her, be light and funny. You can say something like: I know you probably don’t get a lot of attention, so I wanted to come over and say hi.
Most of the time, it’s not so much what you say, as how you say it. If she’s attracted to you, unless you say something really stupid, she’ll respond positively.
Finally, watch your body language. Everyone wants someone who exudes confidence. Smile, stand up straight, make direct eye contact and don’t fidget or move around too much.
Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Write to Lucia at www.theartoflove.net.
Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net.
Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on www.latalkradio.com.
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